June 2007

"There's a certain amount of kitsch value to country music -- that's what I love about it. But it's not all chicken dance and lovin' your cousins!"
-6/1

"He's already moshing on a couch...shit!"
-6/2

A: "We should start a punk mandolin band."
-beat-
B: "We'd need an accordian player."
-6/3

"No...that's totally cheesy. That's like having a sports bar."
-6/3

"Try to find something new to make me rage about. I can't handle the McGriddle anymore."
-6/5

"Why would Tinkerbell be in her butt?!...Why?!"
-6/5

"Are you at a stopping point? Because I have something to report about my smelly feet."
-6/6

"It doesn't smell like sweaty feet! It smells like popcorn!"
-6/6

A: "I used to live on a dairy."
B: "Really?"
A: "Well...yes and no."
-6/8

(Contented sigh:) "There's something about chemicals...or sunshine!"
-6/8

"Yeah, every summer it was someone I knew havin' to pee on themselves."
-6/8

"I had a nap...I had a gallon of iced tea...I need to get a melon today!!"
-6/9

A: "Will Banerbird and Stegosaurus be okay with the tangerine?"
B: "I don't know about Stegosaurus, but the devil will!"
-6/9

A: "Yeah, I don't know why he doesn't like you."
B: "I don't either! I've been fuckin' playin' nice with that motherfucker!"
-6/9

(On phone:) "What if he left your mom for a black woman?"
-6/9

"I looked as close to shit as I could have...without being hung over!"
-6/9

"Isn't this awesome?! It's so, like, Taylor Dayne...but disco."
-6/9

A: "You're not superstitious, are you?"
B: "Yeah -- but look at this shovel."
-6/10

A: "Can you count really quick?"
B: "I can -- not autistic quick, but I can count pretty quick."
-6/10

"Not only do I have Rent-a-Baby, but I get paid to rent a baby."
-6/11

"I'm so excited about my new organized bag!!"
-6/11

"I think I'm, like, equally excited about my woman-wallet."
-6/11

"I'm sorry, Christina Aguilera can sang, with an A!"
-6/13

"No, it's okay -- I was thinking of how to apologize for my yoga."
-6/13

A: "Yeah, I hate that bitch!"
B: "Yeah...but I can't be mean because she's an old hag!"
-6/13

A (reading aloud): " 'The next day it was official: I had a man who loved me. I was filled with excitement, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. It was as if a part of me that had been missing had been found.' "
B: "Is it Jesus?"
A: "No. Mike Tyson."
-6/15

"I feel, like, how dorks feel when they first find out about Lord of the Rings."
-6/18

"...So now I have to expand my imaginary pets to include Nomi Malone and my miniature donkey Aaron Neville."
-6/18

"So, between Tanya Tucker and Aaron Neville it was an hour of my life waiting to see what the donkey of my dreams looks like."
-6/18

"It's because they're self-contained! Sandwiches and tacos! I love it."
-6/18

"Ooohh! Look at Mrs. Peacock...she's fuckin' refined!"
-6/19

"I mean, if they have enough time to walk around on stilts, they gotta be gay, right?"
-6/19

"She's such a loser -- I love her!"
-6/19

A: "So maybe people will befriend me!"
B: "Yeah. But you won't get any."
A: "GOOD!"
-6/19

A: "These Wavy Lays are a hit!"
B: "I know, I need them in my life!"
-6/19

"Why did that come in a package, is it full of, like, heroin?"
-6/19

"The first thing he did was bite me, that's how I knew...he was my dog."
-6/19

"Those are my memories of New York. Pubes and room service."
-6/19

Re. Professor Plum:
A: "He is an intellectual."
B: "An intellectual Mary. Bottom."
-6/19

"I'm not of any Celtic descent...but I liked the kilt, 'cause it allowed me to get in fights."
-6/20

Re. iguana:
"As much as he creeps me out...he fascinates me."
-6/21

"For a while, my brother had a side business of selling reptiles. I never saw one...I guess I would always visit in between lizards."
-6/21

"I'm eating a donut! Please don't show me that dog."
-6/22

"It's hard to find a donkey that's not centered, with room for a fish."
-6/22

A: "How are those casseroles coming?"
B: "They're gonna be fuckin' crazy, man!"
-6/22

A: "Eat the watermelon!"
B: "I'm not eatin' the fuckin' watermelon!"
-6/22

"I could make a bow and arrow from scratch...and not just a rinky-dink bow and arrow, one you could actually kill things with."
-6/22

A (incredulously): "He was muscle-y?!"
B: "He's gay."
-6/23

A: "They weren't nuns, they were teachers!"
B: "Same thing...ladies hangin' out."
-6/23

"Like, why?! What did you do to make her so mad that she made you put away her vegetable peeler?"
-6/23

"Oh my God, she's an unknowing Scientologist!"
-6/23

"You titillate the Japanese in me when you get miniature stuff."
-6/23

"Ohhh, I would be all over that shit!...in theory."
-6/23

"I actually think, in a way, Thomas Paine was just a big asshole."
-6/23

"Ooohh! I love sheet protectors! I used to buy them in bulk."
-6/23

"Yeah. Opaque. 'Cause it's classier."
-6/23

"I used to love the Costco stationery center. I would just go and stare."
-6/23

"That's the name of the game to me, is 'My Hands Hurt And People Are Laughing At Me'."
-6/23

"I think we're raving about it because we had such low expectations, you know?"
-6/23

Excitedly:
"Oh man - I can see a tractor from here!"
-6/24

"I think if I had one more drink I could wake up in a ditch...in Thailand."
-6/24

"Okay -- so one's a Jedi knight and one's Darth Vader...they're the same, you know?"
-6/24

A: "Do you want a flashlight pen?"
B: "Why do you ask?"
A: "...Just curious."
-6/25

Coworker shouting across office: "Tim, Iraq still isn't over, do you want me to wait or cut and paste?"
-6/27

"We had a really cool Homecoming assembly -- I transcribed the choreography to Captain EO."
-6/27

"Oh. My. God. Warmy is, like, lighting me on fire."
-6/28

"I don't like Winchell's. (thoughtful pause:) No...out of all the donut places in the world, Winchell's is my second favorite."
-6/30

"Honey, I wasn't lookin' for pot -- I'm talkin' about segregation!"
-6/30

December 2005

"It was like petting a pig with warts and hair...but it grew on you, you know?"
-12/3

"Look you guys, I'm darker than these panties and I used to be way whiter!!"
-12/3

"There's half-eaten bread all over the place and fart in the air!"
-12/3

"My back hurts, you guys. (beat:) I feel like I did something I don't know about."
-12/4

"Look, it's not like he's throwing his whole body at you, he's just throwing his crotch at you -- it's not gonna break you!"
-12/4

"Like, earlier...with all the classical music and all the talkin'...I couldn't take it!"
-12/4

A: "This is Nada Surf, right?"
B: "Sweet God! (beat:) It's Death Cab for Cutie."
-12/4

"Wait...get out...we have to go! We're not staying for the wizard fight."
-12/4

A: "You don't think it's going to explode, do you?"
B: "I don't know?...umm...I do know that our electronics have a tendency to get possessed."
-12/6

Disdainfully:
"Is it about anarchy? (beat:) I don't think I can make an anarchy scarf."
-12/8

A: "Lindsay, do you have any idea how many people you would have offended if they heard that?"
B: "I don't care! I have no respect for the Beth Orton worshipers."
-12/8

"Look, you are trying to compare Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli! We know Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli are ghastly beasts, but that doesn't mean they sound the same!!"
-12/8

A: (enormous belch)
B: "You are hidge!!"
A: " I just like that I can do it. If you could do it, you'd like it, too."
-12/8

"Sian, seriously, where are the chairs?!! I'm sittin' on a mop bucket here."
-12/8

"...And there's a tombstone on it that says 'Eddie'...oh wait, that's a chef hat."
-12/9

"Okay...'Just Shoot Me' is not okay to watch in this house."
-12/9

On phone: "Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday!!...No, seriously, I was gonna text you, 'Where are my goddamn baby pictures?!!'"
-12/10

A: "Parades love Sunday!"
B: "Ye-ah!!...they live for Sunday!"
-12/11

A: "He wanted to know if I wanted a ride."
B: "Yeah, a ride to the alley, so he can fuck you!"
-12/12

Re. a picture of the Lincoln Memorial:
"Abraham Lincoln looks drunk in this picture!"
-12/13

"Uuurghh!!...she is drama. (beat:) Seriously, she needs some hobbies."
-12/15

"He is the opposite of a drum machine. (beat:) He's like the ocean."
-12/16

Re. circus animal cookies:
"What I was gonna say is, 'I know this is silly, but I feel like they baked them just for me.'"
-12/17

"Yes!!!!...hip-hopera, here we come!!"
-12/17

"Uuuurghh!!...I have a splitting headache. And it's not the liquor...it's the fudge."
-12/17

Boss re. her son's recital: "Yeah, third grade. (beat:) And you have never heard 'Hot Cross Buns' like these kids play it. Jazzy. Real jazzy."
-12/19

"Honey, it hurts...and it's hilarious!!"
-12/20

Re. a Barbara Walters special:
"But seriously...why aren't we getting high yet?, 'cause Heaven's about to be on!!"
-12/20

Very seriously, re. Trapped in the Closet:
"Lindsay, this movie made me think a lot!"
-12/20

"The last couple days I feel like I've...contracted scurvy."
-12/20

"I love being so raunchy in dresses...it's so fun!"
-12/21

"Well if we're going to go to all this trouble, I'm going to have to get a caffeine-free Coke at some point."
-12/23

Re. The Four Agreements:
"I printed it out. 'Cause I was like, 'God damn, what are the frickin' Agreements?!!'"
-12/24

"I don't know what happened to her. (beat:) She didn't show up to the reunion, so I'm assuming she's fat."
-12/25

"Well, ye-ah!, 'cause he wanted a lesbian on each arm...sheeit!"
-12/26

"I totally kept that Commandment!! I'm not married, I'm straight...that's good, right?"
-12/27

"We'll get along fine! I like steak...and shopping...and Hitler."
-12/27

Re. Chinese actors playing Japanese characters in Memoirs of a Geisha:
MASAKI: "Japs can't act. It's not their fault."
-12/27

"Look, she's a twenty-seven-year-old fat, lonely dyke who lives in Newport Beach...of course she thinks I'm amazing!!"
-12/27

"So I met this straight guy!...We're gonna go cruisin' for chicks in Burbank."
-12/28

"Yes!! Not all Americans are like the girls in American Pie."
-12/30