September 2009

Boss, on a study that showed monkeys enjoy listening to Metallica: "Don't be so surprised, bitch! Hundred million records sold!"
-9/2

"I am so sick of vampires."
-9/8

"Wow, I never realized how close the words 'pig' and 'pug' are."
-9/12

"All I smell right now is the sizzle...I'm smelling the sound of the sizzle."
-9/12

"Yeah, it looks like it would just die from smallness."
-9/12

"I got licked by a retard."
-9/12

"Do you know pathological liar fags?...No! They're lesbians!"
-9/25

"I like terrorists with snappy names. Zazi!"
-9/29

August 2008

Boss: "What was the drink I was going to drink?"
Peon: "Hemlock."
-beat-
Boss: "Thank you!"
-8/1

"You're still thinking about it. (beat:) Because I was thinking you had a mild case of Tourette's."
-8/12

"It's like Polarfleece for your lady parts."
-8/14

"They let skinheads in there, of course they're gonna let a penis in!"
-8/14

"You met Mo. She used to put sugar gliders in her boobs."
-8/14

"A giant penis. You know what that is to a baby?! A slide."
-8/14

"That's okay. But it doesn't make it Hawaiian, it makes it pork-lovin'!"
-8/15

"I had an ex-boyfriend who was Hawaiian, and his slang made me want to kill myself."
-8/15

"You know what?! You can't spill a baby, they'll die."
-8/15

"I would love to get your sperm in the mail."
-8/15

"Lindsay, please. (beat:) I always have paper."
-8/15

"A village fucks a baby."
-8/15

"I'm going to the bathroom with Pam because apparently I'm a woman."
-8/15

"I respect art when it goes balls-to-the-wall."
-8/15

"You know I will find a drag queen event to wear that to."
-8/15

"You looked at Disneyland with disdain and I was ready to brawl."
-8/15

"About Disney -- about transgendered people -- about everything."
-8/15

"I felt so much more comfortable with who I am when I found out I shared a birthday with [Ellen DeGeneres] and Eddie Van Halen."
-8/16

"I got written up for having a conversation with a customer about bestiality."
-8/16

"I love Pam. Pam changed me once."
-8/16

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
the puppets were SO scary
i don't care if they were singing about jesus or not!
-8/25

Boss, re. evolution: "Why are there still monkeys?"
-8/25

"Does Jesus mess with me about dating young girls? No. Therefore, he can hurricane whatever he wants."
-8/28

"I'm namin' my first son Dio."
-8/28

"You are so lucky he doesn't have an opposable thumb."
-8/29

"It shows what a fine line it is between finding a drinking buddy and committing manslaughter."
-8/31

June 2005

A: "What was that noise?"
B: "I don't know! It was either the TV or...I was gently touching a blanket."
-6/10

A: "This is so weird!"
B: "What?"
A: "Well, I can't tell if this person is Mary Steenburgen or not."
-6/10

Re. Mr. & Mrs. Smith:
Daughter: "Adam was concerned that you would be upset about the violence."
Mom: "Oh, I love violence!"
-6/23

"You guys, I have been having the strangest thing in my ear -- I don't know if it's my ear or my head."
-6/23

"I ran into Amber at her parents' new coffee shop...what's it called? Rhapsody in Brew!"
-6/23

"...the sons of George Moreno!...does that name ring a bell? He's the kid who stole Scott's tennis shoes in junior high!"
-6/23

Re. survey question "What Is Your Favorite Snack?":
A: "I put Red Vines."
B: "But I want to put something glamorous."
-beat-
A: "How about a 5th Avenue bar?"
-6/23

A: "Did you think I had a child for another reason than to make it into a little monkey?"
B: "You have always wanted a monkey."
-6/24

" 'Constable On Patrol'...I read that in my Agatha Raisin mystery series!"
-6/24

Re. Down's syndrome:
"Corky? Corky?...he got his diploma!"
-6/24

"Our family has notorious small jaws. It's very bad for teeth."
-6/24

Mom: "I think Brad Pitt is extremely good-looking. (beat:) I always have!"
-6/24

"I don't like the idea of my salad in a bread...I never have."
-6/24

"Good-looking?...He's kind of a freak!"
-6/25

"Those rats...livin' it up down there in A-bi-lene."
-6/25

"Ohhh, that tastes so nice...like lappin' up cream!"
-6/25

A: "How's that burger?"
B (dismissively): "It's not a hamburger. (beat:) It's a Fishwich."
-6/26