July 2007

A: "It makes me want to vomit when I smell vomit."
B: "That's why you don't smell carpet!"
-7/1

A: "God!!"
B: "What?"
A: "There's nothing worse than back fat!"
-7/4

A: "What is this?"
B: "Belts…gay-ass belts."
-7/5

"Would it be gay if I was desiring to listen to some Neil Diamond?"
-7/8

"Watch out. That's a big vacuum."
-7/8

"It kinda sounds like a place I want to go -- I picture hot dogs riding horses."
-7/8

Boss: "People don't come to us for fitness! They don't want to know about our fitness."
-7/9

"My job was, keep pushing the big sea lions back in the pool."
-7/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
"if I came home to this I would have had me a new pet squirrel!"
-7/10

Straight dude: "He looks just like Lance Armstrong…I thought if I told him that it'd sound like I had a crush on him."
-7/10

"Nine days until you're British!…I need to get some paper."
-7/11

"Wow, wouldn't it be funny if Phyllis Diller died today as well?"
-7/11

"Mmmm hmmm, so I'll let you know when I hear about the haunting."
-7/11

(Gasp:) "I've heard of that gay!!"
-7/11

"Isn't that mean?! She's like a cockfight trainer!"
-7/11

A: "Why is this taking so long?!"
B: "Uhhh…physics?"
-7/11

A: "Are your brother and sister straight?"
B: "Yeah. (beat:) But they're both awesome."
-7/11

A: "I feel like I speak for humanity."
B: "And dogs."
-7/11

"You're like, 'Fuck you, it's not your birthday yet, ya perv!'"
-7/11

A: "I'm gonna find my favorite R.E.M. song!"
B: "You like R.E.M.?"
A: "No."
-7/13

"I love camp cooking! It's so…whatchamacallit…indigenous?"
-7/14

"I could have put together a better Bastille Day with two hours and a trip to Trader Joe's!"
-7/15

Re. World Music show:
A: "So we went to the Hollywood Bowl yesterday."
B: "You did? How was that?"
A: "It was very Mexican!"
-7/16

"I love the seal. I just want to snuggle up with him on a rock."
-7/16

"Oh, did I tell you I'm going to become British on Thursday?"
-7/17

A: "They're like…they're like…dammit, what are those things called?!"
B: "Pigeons?"
A (meekly): "Yes."
-7/18

"He looks like David Lee Roth and Colonel Sanders merged -- on acid -- and performed a wedding!"
-7/18

"You don't have any shorts?!…Lindsay, that is a crime against nature!"
-7/19

"There's all kindsa wildlife…might even see a llama!"
-7/20

"It's so not a good idea to mix alcohol and those giant birds."
-7/20

"I shouldn't have had all that scotch yesterday…I'm feeling a little funky today. Damn cat and damn Jeopardy!"
-7/21

"I'll tell you what. You can throw her a baby shower when she brings the DVD back."
-7/21

A: "There's nothing wrong with this."
B: "Don, this is old people music!!"
-7/21

"I think we all need mood stabilizers. (beat:) I like your shoes."
-7/24

"You know what I have noticed about Vicki…she likes to use logos."
-7/25

Re. George Foreman:
"Oh no!!…he's still alive?"
-7/25

A: "I can't handle this kind of dancing."
B: "I know, me too."
A: "Doesn't it just seem like spoken word…in movement?"
-7/26

"Eeeeww! White men past their prime should not be singing funk music."
-7/26

A: "I kinda think the Ronstadt was hot."
B: "I kinda think Kenny Loggins was hot when he was on coke."
-7/26

"I don't understand how Meat Loaf's a real thing. He's like a projection of a Neanderthal onto the future."
-7/26

A: "Fraggle Rock?"
B: "Film noir."
-7/28

"You gotta give 'em the B of the D. When someone sends you a picture like that, you gotta give 'em the B of the D. Unless they've got a creepy moustache or something."
-7/28

A: "Yeah, you kinda look like a drug addict with that flag draped over you."
B: "Yeah, and my Josie & the Pussycats poster?"
-7/28

A: "Cat litter and postcards?"
B: "Pretty much."
A: "Sweet!"
B: "Yep -- speaks pretty loudly of my life."
-7/29

"You can go to my grandparents' ranch and ride any bull you want."
-7/29

"Oh no, Ranger. Ranger was the best, 'cause he was a thug Aunt Jemima."
-7/29

"We've already heard ribald tales of cheese on women."
-7/29

Pam: "I'm gonna hunt British Pam down and kill her."
-7/29

"This sounds like it's off the Ghostbusters soundtrack…and I mean that lovingly."
-7/29

"I was like, 'Maybe it doesn't look dainty, maybe I just look like a brute!'"
-7/31

March 2007

Re. woodworking book:
"Awesome!…it talks all about wood!"
-3/3

"Did I tell you that?…last night was our 50th anniversary, that's why we had to shoot Abraham Lincoln."
-3/3

"God!…do you ever think about the fact that Sharon Stone has kids?!!"
-3/7

"Google does not like sarcasm."
-3/9

A: "Deborah?"
B: "Yeah?"
-pause-
A: "Now can we talk about Scarlett Johansson?"
-3/9

Wistfully, re. Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese:
"I thought they were soooo cute together."
-3/10

Re. Lily Allen:
"I like her as a poet, a publicist, and a career strategist."
-3/10

A: "What are you talking about, Tom?"
B: "That I hate my mom?"
A: "Why?"
B: "Ummm…television?"
-3/10

A: "Guess what, I just got my first west African --"
B: "-- Nigerian spam scam?"
A: "I'm so excited!"
-3/12

Re. spate of whale attacks:
"They're just sick of people. Across the board, cetaceans have given up on people, and they're done."
-3/13

A: "We went to Buca de Beppo with them."
B: "Eeeeeww, don't you hate that place?!"
A: "I had never been there before."
-beat-
B: "Well, don't you now?"
-3/13

Re. digital photo preview:
"It's actually not that bad. I look shocked, but not unattractive."
-3/16

"I'm tired of being fucked over in this city! I got no women, no band…all I got is two wily-ass kitties."
-3/19

"I'm dressed up -- I'm wearing purple and aqua."
-3/19

A (defensively): "I like V-necks!"
B: "I do too! But if you're a man...and you always wear V-necks...then you are a scumbag!"
-3/21

Re. Alex Trebek:
"Tom worships the guy. (beat:) 'Cause his English is, like, perfect."
-3/24

Straight man, asked if another man is attractive: "Mmmm…In my hypothetical gay, he's just not my type."
-3/24

Re. downtown L.A.:
"You can buy anything down here…a liver, a kidney…"
-3/29

"Dammit, I hate you Snapple!...but I love your facts."
-3/30

June 2006

A: "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
B: "I was sick."
A: "Oh. Thank God you didn't come to my birthday party!"
-6/2

"Yeah. You couldn't hear the cowbell on some parts, like when I'm playing the cowbell?, and I was like, 'Um, that's kind of important!' "
-6/4

"I think if I had that equipment, I would make totally different music with it. Like, it would still be cool, but it wouldn't be gay."
-6/4

"It's like, tennis for nerds or something!"
-6/4

"The only person I know in Inherit the Wind is...Darwin."
-6/6

Exasperatedly:
"It has to lay flat, like a halo! It can't hang like a garter belt from a rearview mirror!"
-6/7

"It took them five years to plan a cruise that goes one way?!?"
-6/9

"Well, I love that in your mocking stupor you almost fell off the couch!"
-6/12

"Well, you know how she does it, all sensual, and I was like, 'This is my kitty, stop being sensual!' "
-6/12

Re. "poodle-type thing":
"Well, yes, it's a living thing, it has the potential to be sweet -- but don't tell me it was attractive."
-6/15

"...and we gotta take her ass to get spayed eventually!"
-6/15

"The ranch is very weird today. Not weird bad, but weird tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. (later:) Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as...gone bad."
-6/16

A: "Is that Elmer Fudd?"
-beat-
B: "...Tom Waits."
-6/19

Re. "Shinto" as the correct answer to a Jeopardy question:
"Of course he's gonna get it, he's Asian!"
-6/19

Straight lady: "Do you want to be a Disney character?"
Lesbian: "I did when I was younger."
Straight lady: "Did you want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid?"
Lesbian: "No...I wanted to be Aladdin."
-6/20

"Whoa, whoa! He is in blackface because black people are better athletes!"
-6/20

"'Bye!...I have to pee, so I'm saying goodbye now."
-6/20

"Who names their daughter Sioux?! Like the Indian. (beat:) Like, casino Indian."
-6/20

A: “She looks like Eleanor Frutt.”
B: “Who?”
A: “Camryn Manheim. (beat:) I’m not calling her fat. I’m calling her ugly.”
-6/20

"I hate...what is that show called? It's called...basketball."
-6/20

"So he's in Seattle now? With his people?...I mean, flannel shirt-wearing lesbians?"
-6/22

"Edgar. Let's get real here. Enough about bird diapers."
-6/23

"I'm surprised I wasn't fat as a child. But I was very active...running away from bullies."
-6/24

"So?! I can be prejudiced about one VHS and not another!"
-6/24

"Yeah, it was scary. So don't go into our downstairs bathroom by yourself...take a cat with you." -6/24

"Good night, you guys! Thanks for coming over...to Pam's place."
-6/24

"No, no. It wasn't like, 'R. Kelly keeps it so real, I can relate!' "
-6/24

"Well, she's way better, but she's crappier so I like her more."
-6/24

A: "Really?, they have a radio station at Chapman? When did that happen?"
B: "Forty years ago."
-6/24

"So I think Mom's getting you a knife and me some Trix."
-6/25

"I thought you wanted me to pumice your foot and I was like, 'All right, pumice foot.' "
-6/29

A: "Do you wanna watch Nacho Libre?"
B: "Nacho Libre? What's that? Cheese book?"
-6/29