November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

October 2009

Boss: "I think I'm friends with a high-class hooker."
-10/2

Re. woman holding a baby:
"Whoa, that lady is so tall she could dunk that baby!"
-10/11

(sigh:) "They just high-fived hating plays."
-10/16

"I feel like he has a mental nipple problem."
-10/16

"You guys, I didn't even know Sudoku had numbers for a while."
-10/16

"Jon saw some guy slappin' his penis on the Walk of Fame."
-10/16

"Well, in essence all vaginas are cul-de-sacs...it just depends on how far you go."
-10/16

"Sociopaths are not dancers, crybaby gays are dancers."
-10/16

A: "No. No. Ballerinas are sociopaths."
--beat--
B: "That's true."
-10/16

"It's funny, I've known you ten years but I'm always thrown off by how sedentary you are."
-10/25

Boss: "A zombie event to benefit brain cancer. How awesome is that?!"
-10/28

"There's more to life than objectifying dogs."
-10/29

July 2009

A: "We're talking about poop."
B: "Rape protection!"
-7/2

"Wait, are you talking about Republicanism or hate?"
-7/2

"I like Nick Nolte...I like the Irish...and I like prostitutes."
-7/2

"She looks Jewish, meaning not gay."
-7/8

"I don't know. Lesbians aren't into singing pretty."
-7/8

"Well, yeah. They are complete douchebags, but when has that stopped you from liking someone?"
-7/8

"Stop with your fucking white reggae, please!"
-7/8

A: "Let's groom him this weekend."
B: "Groom him?! Are we gonna drug him?!"
A: "Yeah."
-7/10

Boss: "Wanna see a dog with a fork in its head?"
-7/13

"Fair enough. I don't mind being bad cop to Betty White."
-7/16

An AIM chat transcript:
A: what advice did you give him?
B: where to get drugs, how to bribe cops, how to avoid crime, you know, the usual
B: oh, and where to find a lovely brunch
-7/16

A: "Have you ever eaten a salad?"
B: "I have. It's not for me."
-7/16

"You know what our favorite thing to do is? Get a little too drunk and watch the dog show."
-7/18

"It'll be like the best day ever. I'll get to dance, drink Squirt and recycle."
-7/20

Boss: "Would you pay 200 bucks to pet a whale?"
-7/21

Boss: "Wait, did my uncle die?"
-7/21

Boss: "I'm going to drink this weekend with a man from the Homeland Security Department."
-7/24

Spoken aloud while typing into Google search bar:
"Human birth...pooped on..."
-7/24

Boss: "I listen to Lily Allen, Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift almost every day."
-7/30