November 2008

Teen girl in bagel store, re. the Cardigans' "Lovefool": "I love this song. I really like old-fashioned music."
-11/1

"(Gasp:) More sock monkeys!"
-11/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
OMG.....I wish you were there last night at our place when Tom farted
the conversation that happened after the fart would've made your quote book
Tom: FART
Yuki: Wow, that was a glorious one
Tom: Yeah, it's like my ass massaged itself!
Yuki: ROFL!!!!!!!
I know, TMI.
-11/6

"I walked in and heard someone say, 'Are they truly looking for ninja weapons?' and then I left."
-11/6

Boss, on discovering an unused file cabinet: "We can get babies and let them nap in here!"
-11/6

Coworker A, re. a vacant row of cubicles: "What did you do with all the people over here?"
Coworker B: "They all decided, what's the point?"
-11/6

"Chipotle is my bitch."
-11/7

"I think I've opened your cheese mind."
-11/7

A: "Four months into their relationship he peed on her fridge."
B: "That's more of a year thing."
-11/7

A: "I think I was at the Abbey when I first asked that question to a person."
B: "It's a learnin' place."
-11/7

A: "Well, they are sneaky."
B: "They are, they will sneak up on you and lick your knuckles."
-11/7

A (disgustedly): "Have you all seen Hercules?!"
B (emphatically): I have not!"
-11/7

"I did meet her -- she was (clucks tongue:) -- what a hitter."
-11/7

"Killer whales are dicks."
-11/7

"...I feel pretty good about taking old medicine."
-11/7

A: "It's a sign of love."
B: "Urine?!!"
-11/10

"Optimism is the new pessimism!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
how can someone hate whales?
i mean if you are a seal I GET it
but other than that
-11/12

"Yeah...I'm crazy 'cause I don't like eatin' tentacles!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: Hey, let's go to the Hollywood Improv and see Greg Proops this weekend!
B: oh no!
B: he's back?
A: yep!
A: he's back and he's straight/gayer than ever!
-11/13

A: "Dude, I know how I'm gonna look in twenty years."
B: "Really? How?"
A: "Hot."
-11/13

Re. pineapples:
"It's the Lord showin' off, once again."
-11/14

Boss: "It's not stalking anymore. It's Facebook."
-11/18

"What do you mean, 'the kid'?! He's clearly a bisexual adult male!"
-11/18

An instant message chat excerpt:
whatever miniscule scrap of empathy I might have had for al qaida evaporated today
-11/19

"Let me tell ya. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it for the money. (beat:) Considering the money's shit."
-11/24

"All right. I'm learning to control my anger. (beat:) Would you like some cornbread?"
-11/27

"My gay boss wears that shirt."
-11/29

December 2006

A: "Are you being ironical?
B: "Actually, I can't tell anymore."
-12/1

A: "I love Ellen Burstyn."
B: "I love Faye Dunaway."
-long pause-
A: "I like how we didn't say anything about Sally Field."
-12/7

"Oh my God, Tom does the best gay impression! His gay accent is superb."
-12/9

"We're going out with our gay friends tomorrow, to the Abbey...I think they got the cabana!"
-12/9

"What's this...another French rapper?"
-12/9

"He is speaking French. He's French. But he's a French black guy."
-12/9

"My mom was like, 'I knew it was big, but to blow out denim?!!"
-12/22

"I'm gonna bring the jeans, 'cause you would not believe the size of this hole!"
-12/22

A: "You saw God in my chest hair!...or was it Mary?"
B: "It was Moses."
-12/24

"Yeah. I'm exaggerating, of course...but I do have big nostrils, so it's to scale?"
-12/24

"You know, I'm actually a little insulted, 'cause I'm way dumber than your mom."
-12/24

A: "It was atrocious!"
B: "Yes it was! The probe was unusually large!"
-12/24

"I could probably talk about this algorithm until the sun comes up!"
-12/25

"Oh, you've always loved that shit!...randomization and shit like that."
-12/25

A: "Oh, they got married?"
-pause-
B: "On some level, yeah."
-12/25

"No, she would read-Chaucer-and-dream-of-finding-artifacts-in-Africa dorky."
-12/25

A: "Candy corn...gave me a third-degree burn."
B: "What?"
C: "What?"
D: "That was your own fault."
-12/25

A: "It was the tiniest little drop, too!"
B: "Yeah...well, it was burning chemical..."
-12/25

A: "I don't know if I could sacrifice the candy."
B: "One candy corn?!"
-beat-
A: "Oh, it was only one?"
-12/25

"Eewww, fuck napalm?!!"
-12/25

A: "Tom, calm down. Tom, you need to calm down."
B: "What?...I'm just psyched about the stenographer."
-12/25

"Look, I'm carrying myself in a fuckin' backpack...it's weird, okay?"
-12/25

Incredulously:
"You can't cross your legs?!...and you're white?"
-12/25

"See, by the time I got to middle school and karate, I thought I was flexible...but I was just hunchbacked."
-12/25

A: "Apparently that's what the chiropractor told him."
-beat-
B: "No, that's what I feel."
-12/25

Boss, skeptically: "These dogs don't look scared of Santa!"
-12/26

"Looks like Archimedes is the big winner!"
-12/26

"There's your Bob Marley sticker!...wait, or is that Jesus?"
-12/31

"It's not a dump, it's a historical landmark."
-12/31

"Yeah, but it's dead now. That toaster is dead to me."
-12/31

"...and not to say that the Doobie Brothers are cool, but they're fuckin' funky, you know?"
-12/31

"It's time for you and I to study fuckin' barbershop."
-12/31

"I'm sure you could dry-hump Tom as if he were gay."
-12/31

"...Really fuckin' cool! Fuckin' expletive cool!"
-12/31

"If my ears had nipples, they'd be twisted right now."
-12/31