January 2005

"I need to go somewhere and just tap for about two hours."
-1/5

A: "Can you imagine having a baby right now?!?"
B: "I can't even imagine having a boyfriend right now."
-1/6

"WHOA! -- did you just mouth-sing?!!"
-1/8

Re. Topper licking a spot on the carpet repetitively:
"Jenean, this dog is high."
-1/10

"Barnett is way better than Barnes. (pause:) I'm sorry, I just feel that way."
-1/10

"My mind is...seriously, my mind is...like a hamster taking a nap right now."
-1/10

"Wait, has that styrofoam been here this whole time?!!"
-1/10

"Lindsay, are you listening to what I'm saying?!! I'm saying you don't need to be in Martha Stewart's office to do this."
-1/10

Re. the Tin Woodsman:
"He's both the circulatory system and the...what's the 'nerv-'?...Nervous system."
-1/10

"You're like, 'Just light the fucking cigarette, I don't care about soggy toilet paper!!' "
-1/10

"Lindsay, there are three parties that are involved in this conspiracy theory. One is the formatter, one is the receiver to the formatting, and one is the apprentice...to the receiver."
-1/10

Re. The Wizard of Oz/Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon':
"You were just saying how it's weird that they end it there...Oooohh! I just got a taste of salt!"
-1/10

"Way to go, way to break the ice. Like it was a fucking Topsy Tail or something!"
-1/10

"Just come in here, in the light, and aim it at your vagina!"
-1/13

"Do you know that I chill 90% of the time?"
-1/15

"I just love gender identity crisis. I think it's adorable."
-1/18

A: "You haven't seen her in person, have you?"
B: "Yes!, we switched shoes and played pool together."
-1/18

A: "You look proud of yourself."
B: "I've got Tandoori chicken in my hand."
-1/18

"So are we eating, or are we eating chips?"
-1/18

"That's a weird place to stop on your bike...and read a magazine..."
-1/18

"God damn it! This monkey's going out the window the second I open it!!!"
-1/18

"I'm sorry, but I'm at a Thai restaurant...and I'm eating these leaves with my bare hand."
-1/18

Girl on street who has just dropped her keys: "UUUURGHH!...I'm sedated."
-1/18

A: "What is the name of that Lily Tomlin character?"
B (singing): "Workin' 9-to-5..."
A: "No, the one who sits on the giant chair."
-pause-
B: "Oh...The Incredible Shrinking Woman??"
-1/29

A: "Lindsay, has anyone ever told you that you are an African Queen?"
B: "I am an African Queen!...I've actually been told that before."
-1/29

While planning movie night:
A : "What is a good food for The Omen?"
-pause-
B (emphatically): "Chili!!!"
-1/29

"Lindsay, doesn't this rock look like a piece of cabbage?!?!"
-1/29

"It's not that complicated, it's not like being homoflexible or anything."
-1/30

"Paper towel in the toilet...awesome. (pause:) Paper towel in both toilets...even more awesome."
-1/31

In a game of Fuck, Kill or Marry:
A: "Okay, Michael Moore, Denis Leary and Weird Al Yankovic."
B: "I don't really want to push any of those people off a cliff."
C: "Wait, did you say Denis Leary or Dennis Miller?, because I would push Dennis Miller off a cliff in a heartbeat."
B: "Oh, I thought Dennis Rodman, and I would have sex with him in a heartbeat."
-1/31

"If this was the South, I would totally go up and pet those dogs, but you don't know what crazy person is holding a leash in this city."
-1/31

Re. the dogs:
"I was looking at that tan one, and I thought, 'Is he shitting?!' -- and then I realized it was his balls."
-1/31

A: "How are they that stupid?!?!"
-beat-
B: "I'm from Mississippi."
-1/31