March 2006

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-3/1

"It's time. It's time. I'm 24, it's time to wear some shorts."
-3/1

Re. Flea the cat:
"Doesn't he look like a human inside of his face sometimes?"
-3/1

A: "How was your day, lady?"
B: "It was fine. I got assloads of little coffee cakes, though."
-3/3

"A smile and a good attitude is all you're bringin'...I have sunscreen."
-3/4

"It looks like ringworm, but I think it's just...that he attacked his nipple."
-3/5

"It's really overdoing it. It's like an SNL skit now."
-3/5

"I can smell the Febreze from here! Jesus...it's like living with David again."
-3/6

After finishing phone call with customer:
"Wow, that was so much bullshit I didn't even know when to stop!"
-3/6

"I think I need to experiment with different types of necklines."
-3/7

"Well, the point is...they wear unitards and helmets and do karate moves."
-3/7

A: "He wouldn't call you retarded."
B: "He might, Lindsay, he might. He's an awful man. (reflective pause:) No. Not really...just Asian."
-3/7

"They're such a great couple! Talk about nonmonogamy."
-3/9

"Oh my God I want this t-shirt so bad! Look at it...a hot dog high-fiving mustard!"
-3/9

"If this is hell it's pretty sweet!"
-3/10

"Educational building toy my foot! You just want to make a pirate castle."
-3/10

"No toys? That's really sad...what about Lego?"
-3/10

In a singsong voice, while looking out the window:
"Who wants to see a rainbow?...Pam?"
-3/10

"Nothing is sacred. Not Jesus, not babies, nothing."
-3/10

A: "If I had a ping-pong table would you play with me?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Do you think we'd get really good?"
B: "Yeah, we'd be like Asians!"
-3/10

"Well, the Chinese are amazing at everything...they're like Nazis!"
-3/10

A: "Sarah'd be happy. You would be happy. And Jon would be happy."
B: "It's true. We'd be like polygamists without the sex."
-3/10

A: "He's like the Gallagher boy."
B: "Liam?"
A: "I don't know. Either one that sucks."
-3/11

"Well, he did like the Cake-a-Walk, but he wouldn't like Lady of the Lake because he has prejudice in his heart."
-3/12

"I'm so relieved. I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning. It needed coolant. It needed to chill."
-3/13

Lunatic coworker: "If Kathy has a BlackBerry, then that means I should have a BlackBerry."
-3/13

A: "I don't sleep soundly at all."
B: "Oh, man...you should join the Army."
-3/13

"Our first order of business is to write a lesbo movie that doesn't suck."
-3/14

"Are you mocking me with your nostrils?"
-3/16

"It's too hot. When it burns your diaphragm, it's too hot."
-3/18

Re. a suspected lesbian:
"She had volleyball written all over her."
-3/18

Re. Stevie Wonder presenting an award to R. Kelly:
"It's like, 'Stevie Wonder! Of course you're presenting him with an award, you've never seen him!"
-3/19

"I was like, 'What-eva!', and I pooped! I can do what I want!"
-3/20

A: "What was the Word of the Day yesterday?"
B (pause): "You mean from Dictionary.com?"
A: "Yeah."
B: "Oh, I don't know. I don't get those emails."
A: "Oh, I don't either. I just wanted to know what it was."
-3/21

"She looks like she's drunk or on drugs or something. Maybe it's the weight of her bangs holding down her eyelid."
-3/21

"...and he's wearing white shoes, where is he, Florida?!"
-3/21

A: "She may have become a nun."
B: "Seriously?"
A: "That's what I've heard."
-beat-
B: "That would explain why she's not on MySpace."
-3/23

A hands B a paper clip bent into the shape of a heart.
B: "Thank you! I will treasure it."
A: "No -- use it as a weapon."
B: "I will treasure it and use it as a weapon."
-3/24

"I know Lindsay is all about the trivia...but I don't think we'll ever get her inside a Hooters!"
-3/24

A: "Like I don't want to be there?! To see my mom get married?! She birthed me!...you know."
B: "I know."
-3/25

"I've been having a really hard time telling middle-aged white men apart lately?"
-3/25

"...Also, another gay thing about the terrier? The terrier has Seasonal Affective Disorder."
-3/25

"Wait, we talk about Teri Hatcher, we just don't talk about how her eyelids look like labia."
-3/25

"...so it was fun, I had some wine and a Percoset...and watched The Goonies."
-3/26

"My grandmother used to say, 'Eat through the pain,' but she was a very large woman."
-3/27

"You know what? Sometimes, I would kill for chopped liver."
-3/27

"...So I'm broke, but I have a dog with short toenails!"
-3/27

"I'm happy to announce that we have an assortment of muffins here."
-3/28

Disgustedly, while looking at an accounting report:
"Is that still that Mendelsohn/Zien shit penny sittin' in there?!"
-3/28

A: "Do you crave fatty foods at that time of the month?"
B: "I pretty much crave food all the time."
A: "Really? That's cool."
-3/28

“It’s weird having a wife! I wanted to stay up and go on the internet, but I had to go to bed.”
-3/28

Re. Belle & Sebastian:
"The songs would be so much better if they were sung by someone who had some balls...or a lady."
-3/28

"Sometimes you do bad things and you feel good about it."
-3/31

February 2005

"You just committed musical murder."
-2/3

"He was born with just a nub, and girls loved the nub love, he just had a nub, and he was hot."
-2/3

A, B (singing): "Announcements, Announcements, Announcements --"
C (spoken, aside): "Wait, is there an announcement, or is this it?"
-2/3

"You could have died with your dick outta your pants, and it would have been dishonorable!"
-2/3

"Wait! I have putty in my hand. I hope you're okay with that."
-2/3

A: "I have fucked up everything in this apartment."
B: "No, you have not -- just sit down, we're gonna play Catchphrase."
-2/3

"Plus, Tim Curry's so weird, how could you not want to see him dressed as a pirate and surrounded by muppets?"
-2/5

Re. attending first-ever Superbowl party:
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was pretty much what you'd expect...lots of beer...and meats...and chips and dip...all of which I love."
-2/6

"Wait, I cut the fauxhawk because I wanted to ruin the wedding."
-2/10

"I'll call you about the wicker chair...it's important."
-2/10

"I almost knocked this beer bottle in my forehead-skull!"
-2/19

"Ooohh, the devil's gotta sit on a tack to stay!"
-2/19

A: "Did you just drop something?"
B: "Yes I did...it was the macaroni puzzle."
-2/23

Urgently:
"Quick, before Allegra sees the beans!!"
-2/23

A: "Did you sell wares?!"
B: "At the Renaissance Faire? [Person A nods.] NO!...I did hair-braiding."
-2/24

"God damn it, Oprah Winfrey, stop presenting things!"
-2/24

"BRING me a lesbian!! Bring it, crack it, bring it!!!!"
-2/25

A: "What was the name of your vibrator, was it Pedro -- or Paco?"
B: "No, it was my first one, Sergei."
A: "What?, why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?"
-pause-
C: "My first goat's name was Pedro."
-2/25

Re. a hospital restroom:
A: "Good lord, that smells really bad!"
-beat-
B (matter-of-factly): "It always smells like cinnamon to me."
-2/25

"Your coat is on the couch...uh...davenport."
-2/25

"Lindsay, hold on, can I call you 'Lindsay Rae, Born in May'??"
-2/25

"Don't get me tappin'!"
-2/25

"I want you to make fun of me, that's why I fell in love with you!"
-2/25

A: "One day- we are going to make dinner. And then we are going to play music. And we will dance, because we are dancers!!"
B: "Wait...wait...do you believe it?"
A: "And I think we should move the furniture out of the way, and drink lots of wine and dance."
-2/25

"I said, 'I'm gonna wear these pearls for the rest of my life!!' And I thought, I'm exquisite!"
-2/25

A: "Are you gonna eat that?"
B: "I can."
A: "Well, I don't want it in my boobs."
-2/25

"Hey!, have you seen our bonsai tree?"
-2/25

"Don't talk to me, okay?!! Don't talk to me about organization!!"
-2/25

"I was in this show last summer, and this old man who worked in the theater -- he was like eighty -- he said I had a classic nose -- and I was like, 'You're Eighty!!'"
-2/25

"They're straight men...in order to deal with the feathers, they get shit-faced."
-2/25

"Put the cigarette in the fucking hole in the fucking ashtray and stop your whining!"
-2/25

"You guys, you guys, I want to make a toast to the lead singer of the Darkness."
-2/25

"She gets two dimples, two, I get one. She gets two. Awesome."
-2/25

A: "Whose phone can I use? Whose? Can I use this?"
B: "Sure!"
A: "Whose phone is it, is it yours?"
B: "No, I thought it was, but it's not."
-2/25

"And air it! And air it! And oh my God I got somethin' on my shoe!"
-2/25

A: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
B: "Bedazzling!, you wanna come?!?!"
-2/25

"-- like, fast vibrato, West Side Story shit!!"
-2/26

"I wasn't gonna touch it, don't back away like a skittish cat."
-2/26

"The first time I got drunk, I was backstage helping some drag queens get dressed-- I don't even know how I got there."
-2/26

"I took out another student loan, and I thought to myself, 'Fuck this shit, I'm gonna buy myself some Dolly Parton!'...Interest be damned."
-2/26

"OH my GOD!! Someone's cell phone is ringing!! Stop the party!!"
-2/26

"Pamela Mackey equals ass crack all the time!!"
-2/26

"You will ruin the batch for everyone with your saliva beads."
-2/26

"It must have been love, but it's over now...where's my cocktail??"
-2/26

"I was like, number one, passive-aggressive. Number two, GAY."
-2/26

"Yes!, that's what I meant! When I said 'toga', I meant 'Flintstones'!!"
-2/26

"Every cat I have is gay. [pause:] Aunt Mary? BIG dyke!!"
-2/26

"Thank you for thinking of me. I'm getting a haircut...and a new outfit!"
-2/26

"Shirley Bassey, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand. They're all the same, and they're all iconic."
-2/26

"Okay-- I'll have a woman on my thighs, and this one massaging. [pause:] Okay, go."
-2/26

"Are you kidding me with that boy?!?! Are you kidding me with this girl?!?! Are you KIDDING me with the crawfish on her pants?!?!?!"
-2/26

"Don't expose your neck if you don't want kisses!"
-2/28