November 2005

"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3

"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4

A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5

Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5

"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5

A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5

A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5

"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5

"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5

"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5

"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5

A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6

"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6

A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7

"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7

"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7

"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8

"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12

"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12

"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12

"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16

A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16

"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19

"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19

"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19

A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28

A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28

"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28

"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28

A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28

Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28

"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28

JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28

"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28

Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28

"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28

"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28

September 2005

"It is kind of small, it is old-school, but I'm not sure I'd call it 'hobbity'."
-9/3

A: "I want to know what happened to Stina so bad!"
-beat-
B: "I'm gonna say middle management."
-9/3

"I'm getting a vintage Burberry trenchcoat for $22, thanks to Tina Turner who taught me how to chant."
-9/3

"I'm not hearing a word, I'm...rummaging around in cheese."
-9/6

"Okay, I just found someone really good-looking on the Discovery Channel...he's a crab fisherman!"
-9/6

"I'm actually busy today, which is rare and kind of stupid...but I have to make a Cobb salad...and go see a movie...and there's talk of a cakewalk?"
-9/10

Re. cakewalks:
"I was surprised to learn that the prize is actually cake, though...you know what I mean?"
-9/10

A: "So you hate Harold & Maude but you love Cat Stevens?"
B: "Yes."
-9/10

"The only bar in Ephrata is exactly like the only bar in Ephrata would be...and it's lit like Wal-Mart?"
-9/10

"I tried to pace his mom once when we were watching Finding Nemo, but I ended up getting tossed and going to bed."
-9/10

Re. a love interest of questionable sexuality:
"Good luck with that shady Kinsey girl."
-9/13

"We're not going to be doing anything that involves money, are we?, because I have, like, four dollars, and I kind of want some Kool-Aid."
-9/14

"It contains the best dance ever...after he smokes crack with some hookers. (defensively:) He's a bad lieutenant. Imagine the worst lieutenant ever, and that's Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant."
-9/14

A: "...He kept saying things that were gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay-gay--"
B: "Like what?"
A: "Like that he likes dressing like a Hardy Boy?"
-9/14

A: "What is gayer than an interpretive dance about the life and times of Selena?!"
B: "What is gayer is that there was a sequence in the interpretive dance wherein Selena discovers that she has hips."
-9/14

A: "I think I'm mad at Karl Lagerfeld right now."
B: "Because he designs with fur?"
A: "No...I'm not against animal cruelty?"
-9/14

"Do you know what Karl Lagerfeld most dislikes? Monday mornings. (beat:) What is he, Dilbert?"
-9/14

A: "Was that you making that rustling noise?"
B (making rustling noise): "Like this?"
A: "Yes."
B: "Yes. I was tap-dancing with my feet...I mean fingers."
-9/14

Re. Fire Island:
"Ooohhh...it's like the gay Shangri-La?"
-9/14

Re. vegan jerky:
"It's like I'm chewing on an old, dried-up sponge...that's beef-flavored."
-9/17

"The picture is, like, to die for, it's like strawberry shortcake...in heaven."
-9/18

After a picture is taken:
"Wait, am I in that?, because you didn't give me time to craft my facial expression."
-9/18

A: "I'm just sayin', they signed the mailing list, we should give 'em something."
B: "They got a pin...and rocked by us!"
-9/18

"What is this magical dispenser??"
-9/20

"Look, I know I have a butt chin, but I do not have Sara Gilbert's face!!"
-9/21

"I have a letter opener, you know...it's a cute little dagger."
-9/21

"Look, you can suck my dick!, at least I'm not workin' at the call center for the gas company!"
-9/21

"Where is this alleged Raisin Bran, dude?"
-9/21

"Why have a dead flower when you can have a live succulent?"
-9/24

"You guys, it's label-on-postcard time!!"
-9/25

"Dude, I was crocheting at dinner, and it was so gratifying!"
-9/25

"Damn!, my armpits stink, but I love it!"
-9/25

"Wow, I think I'm venturing into a world I never dared."
-9/25

"Oh my God, I have been high on more Christmases than is even funny."
-9/26

A: "I just wanted to say 'patronize'."
B: "And 'chipotle'!"
-9/26