February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."
-2/3

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."
-2/3

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"
-2/4

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."
-2/5

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"
-2/9

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."
-2/10

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."
-2/10

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."
-2/14

"Is she, like...is it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"
-2/16

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"
-2/16

A: "You know...it's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"
-2/16

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"
-2/17

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."
-2/25

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."
-2/26

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."
-2/28

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"
-2/28

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"
-2/28

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."
-2/28

October 2005

A: "You look like you're gonna cut me up and eat me."
B: "I'm vegan!!"
A: "That doesn't mean you're not a cannibal!"
-10/1

A: "You hate me, don't you!...where did you get that Batman t-shirt?"
B: "Delia's!"
-10/1

A: "So Lindsay?"
B: "Yes?"
A: "I've been taking Centrum at night, and I feel like a new woman."
-10/5

"Where does Trent Reznor get all his clothes?...and I'm just realizing that he has a really big head."
-10/8

A: "I hate popcorn."
B: "What?!!"
A: "It's mindless!!"
-10/8

"Echhh, I hate me!"
-10/8

"Oh my God, dude, it's like, parallel...things!!"
-10/15

"Okay, everyone needs to take a deep breath. It was matzoh ball soup and a grilled cheese. Had it been filet mignon, it might have been different."
-10/15

"I don't know what I'd do if my family was actually into the religion they raised me in. (beat:) That'd be weird."
-10/15

A: "How could one person crunch louder than another?"
B (thoughtfully): "I don't know, I've been trying to figure that out."
-10/16

"First you have to do the medley, then you have to do the tribute...then you can do the mash-up."
-10/16

"I know I'm a little high, but Aaaah!, this is horrifying!...one more time."
-10/16

"I think the answering machine's calling our house!! (beat:) I think something's wrong!!"
-10/18

"Lindsay...how do you feel about super-sticky Post-It Notes??"
-10/25