March 2010

Boss: "Does Kirstie Alley have a lemur?!"
-3/2

Boss: "I have no need to see Johnny Depp play another gay man."
-3/5

Boss: "I'm just going to be the next Archie Bunker."
-3/8

Boss: "Yeah, let's not yuck each other's yums."
-3/9

Boss: "If I have a dog with cancer I'm namin' it TypePad."
-3/11

Coworker: "You're more of a tough-love guy."
Boss: "I'm more of a no-love guy."
-3/11

"Weren't your pectoral muscles brought up in conversation once?"
-3/13

Re. Miss Piggy:
"She looks like Sharon Stone in Casino."
-3/13

"You know what it is? I like really gay things, that's why I like Annie."
-3/13

Boss: "Stop pouring bitterness into your eyes and looking at me."
-3/26

Boss: "Oh, I bought my Taylor Swift tickets!"
-3/26

"It's all fun and games until she pukes in your bed."
-3/26

"My diet's been, like, drinkin' and fuckin'."
-3/28

Coworker: "I don't care what the story is! Get a camel in the photo spot now!"
-3/30

Boss: "I think I'm grooming my succulent!"
-3/30

Boss, crisply: "He looks very much like a lawyer. Is that what he is?"
-3/30

Boss: "Last night I forgot to take the 14mg patch off and I had crazy dreams about a post-apocalyptic world."
-3/31

Boss to people gathered in his office for a meeting: "I didn't call this meeting, did I?"
-3/31

"There's clapping. Does that mean there's cake?"
-3/31

Boss: "We had this really great story about that! Oh wait, I read that in another magazine."
-3/31

Boss, re. a restaurant he checked into on Foursquare: "And you know that place ain't known for its good food. (beat:) And I'm the mayor of it."
-3/31

February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."
-2/3

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."
-2/3

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"
-2/4

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."
-2/5

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"
-2/9

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."
-2/10

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."
-2/10

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."
-2/14

"Is she, like...is it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"
-2/16

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"
-2/16

A: "You know...it's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"
-2/16

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"
-2/17

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."
-2/25

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."
-2/26

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."
-2/28

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"
-2/28

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"
-2/28

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."
-2/28

November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

February 2009

"The editor's watching you stick your thumb in some cheese…it's not awesome."
-2/4

"Whoa, I didn't realize you could be charged with Attempted Mayhem."
-2/11

"It's scary and cute…it's got somethin' for everyone."
-2/16

"It's acceptable if she's transgendered."
-2/23

"It's not a joke...I have so much shampoo."
-2/23

On the cross-section of society that is Blockbuster Video customers:
"Young. Old. Dicks."
-2/23

On the Academy Awards:
"How can a cleft palate movie not win?"
-2/23

A: "Have you had too much to drink, Sarah?"
B: "No, but I should have!"
-2/23

Boss 1, on putting three donut holes in his mouth: "Never underestimate what I would do for a dollar."
Boss 2: "I woulda fuckin' done that for fifty cents!"
-2/24

Boss: "If Iron Maiden hasn't recorded it I probably don't know the lyrics."
-2/25

"Oh no, it's a classy wheelchair."
-2/25

"You don't have to plead ignorance, you can just acknowledge it."
-2/26

"You're like the Mickey Rourke of midget animals."
-2/27

July 2007

A: "It makes me want to vomit when I smell vomit."
B: "That's why you don't smell carpet!"
-7/1

A: "God!!"
B: "What?"
A: "There's nothing worse than back fat!"
-7/4

A: "What is this?"
B: "Belts…gay-ass belts."
-7/5

"Would it be gay if I was desiring to listen to some Neil Diamond?"
-7/8

"Watch out. That's a big vacuum."
-7/8

"It kinda sounds like a place I want to go -- I picture hot dogs riding horses."
-7/8

Boss: "People don't come to us for fitness! They don't want to know about our fitness."
-7/9

"My job was, keep pushing the big sea lions back in the pool."
-7/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
"if I came home to this I would have had me a new pet squirrel!"
-7/10

Straight dude: "He looks just like Lance Armstrong…I thought if I told him that it'd sound like I had a crush on him."
-7/10

"Nine days until you're British!…I need to get some paper."
-7/11

"Wow, wouldn't it be funny if Phyllis Diller died today as well?"
-7/11

"Mmmm hmmm, so I'll let you know when I hear about the haunting."
-7/11

(Gasp:) "I've heard of that gay!!"
-7/11

"Isn't that mean?! She's like a cockfight trainer!"
-7/11

A: "Why is this taking so long?!"
B: "Uhhh…physics?"
-7/11

A: "Are your brother and sister straight?"
B: "Yeah. (beat:) But they're both awesome."
-7/11

A: "I feel like I speak for humanity."
B: "And dogs."
-7/11

"You're like, 'Fuck you, it's not your birthday yet, ya perv!'"
-7/11

A: "I'm gonna find my favorite R.E.M. song!"
B: "You like R.E.M.?"
A: "No."
-7/13

"I love camp cooking! It's so…whatchamacallit…indigenous?"
-7/14

"I could have put together a better Bastille Day with two hours and a trip to Trader Joe's!"
-7/15

Re. World Music show:
A: "So we went to the Hollywood Bowl yesterday."
B: "You did? How was that?"
A: "It was very Mexican!"
-7/16

"I love the seal. I just want to snuggle up with him on a rock."
-7/16

"Oh, did I tell you I'm going to become British on Thursday?"
-7/17

A: "They're like…they're like…dammit, what are those things called?!"
B: "Pigeons?"
A (meekly): "Yes."
-7/18

"He looks like David Lee Roth and Colonel Sanders merged -- on acid -- and performed a wedding!"
-7/18

"You don't have any shorts?!…Lindsay, that is a crime against nature!"
-7/19

"There's all kindsa wildlife…might even see a llama!"
-7/20

"It's so not a good idea to mix alcohol and those giant birds."
-7/20

"I shouldn't have had all that scotch yesterday…I'm feeling a little funky today. Damn cat and damn Jeopardy!"
-7/21

"I'll tell you what. You can throw her a baby shower when she brings the DVD back."
-7/21

A: "There's nothing wrong with this."
B: "Don, this is old people music!!"
-7/21

"I think we all need mood stabilizers. (beat:) I like your shoes."
-7/24

"You know what I have noticed about Vicki…she likes to use logos."
-7/25

Re. George Foreman:
"Oh no!!…he's still alive?"
-7/25

A: "I can't handle this kind of dancing."
B: "I know, me too."
A: "Doesn't it just seem like spoken word…in movement?"
-7/26

"Eeeeww! White men past their prime should not be singing funk music."
-7/26

A: "I kinda think the Ronstadt was hot."
B: "I kinda think Kenny Loggins was hot when he was on coke."
-7/26

"I don't understand how Meat Loaf's a real thing. He's like a projection of a Neanderthal onto the future."
-7/26

A: "Fraggle Rock?"
B: "Film noir."
-7/28

"You gotta give 'em the B of the D. When someone sends you a picture like that, you gotta give 'em the B of the D. Unless they've got a creepy moustache or something."
-7/28

A: "Yeah, you kinda look like a drug addict with that flag draped over you."
B: "Yeah, and my Josie & the Pussycats poster?"
-7/28

A: "Cat litter and postcards?"
B: "Pretty much."
A: "Sweet!"
B: "Yep -- speaks pretty loudly of my life."
-7/29

"You can go to my grandparents' ranch and ride any bull you want."
-7/29

"Oh no, Ranger. Ranger was the best, 'cause he was a thug Aunt Jemima."
-7/29

"We've already heard ribald tales of cheese on women."
-7/29

Pam: "I'm gonna hunt British Pam down and kill her."
-7/29

"This sounds like it's off the Ghostbusters soundtrack…and I mean that lovingly."
-7/29

"I was like, 'Maybe it doesn't look dainty, maybe I just look like a brute!'"
-7/31