September, 2006

"Jupiter is not aligned with Mars but your vagina is."
-9/1

A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1

"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7

A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7

"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8

"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8

A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8

"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8

"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8

"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9

A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9

"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11

While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11

A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12

"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12

"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16

"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16

"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16

"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16

A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20

"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20

"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20

"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22

"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22

"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22

"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22

"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24

A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24

On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25

"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26

"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26

"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26

"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26

A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26

September 2007

“That room was just a death trap, apparently…a purple death trap.”
-9/3

“Ohh, let’s not quibble about why the soccer ball was on fire…”
-9/4

“You don’t mess with Jesus and get on an airplane.”
-9/6

“It's not like 'I'm large and in charge', but it's like, 'I'm strangely shaped'.”
-9/7

"She's one of the more deformed...I mean, there are a lot of deformed people that work at the L.A. Times...”
-9/7

"I mean, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, that she's mentally ill-- she was so weird-- if she isn’t mentally ill, that's worse.”
-9/7

A: “Pierre is good, though?”
B: “Oh, he’s very good…he smells like maple syrup.”
-9/8

“…Like, the wife from The Commish, shoppin’ at Goodwill, bein’ all weird.”
-9/8

Re. “Midnight Train to Georgia”:
A: “This song reminds me of Designing Women.”
B: “Oh my God, that show was wack! That shit is weird!”
-9/8

A: "Is your grandma from the South?"
B: "No, she kept a big knife in the kitchen of her bar."
-9/11

"Right now, Mars is in Uranus. (laughter from coworkers:) Hey, I didn't name the planets. I would have stuck with, like, Pluto... and all the other Disney characters."
-9/13

A: “What is that?”
B: “I don't know! It's just my...animal face.”
-9/19

JENEAN: “I’m such a homophobe!”
-9/20

“I want to see some of these mariachi pants you found online!”
-9/20

“It was imperative that I lose right then…I’m blaming it on the Pringles and bratwurst.”
-9/22

“I think you’re insane and I think I love you…and I think I just died.”
-9/22

“You’re right. A gay son is the new purse dog.”
-9/24

Re. foreign DVD:
“Is it porn?…Is it sports?”
-9/24

“He is ejaculating all over that billboard and it sickens me!”
-9/25

“Michelle is involved?!...she's just an octopus!”
-9/26

A: “The Love Fest and the Gay Nudie Fest are both going on this weekend.”
B: “Ooohh!…when’s the Bluegrass Festival?”
-9/27

“Babies should be fat! I don’t trust a skinny baby.”
-9/27

“No, I thought that cart was a big fat clown!”
-9/27

“I’m not sure what’s happening but it looks like two of the dudes from Los Lobos are out there with some watermelons!”
-9/30

“Yeah…you’re gonna have fun with that MRI machine!”
-9/30

“And he’s ripped…not Carrot Top-ripped, but ripped.”
-9/30

“You are Harold and Kumar put together!”
-9/30

“Awww, you’re like…a hidden Japanese!”
-9/30

“I feel like that’s cheating, like, you’re even and prime…but you’re two.”
-9/30

“Your hair’s lovely…it’s…theatrical!”
-9/30