January 2006

Outraged, re. R. Kelly:
"Well, there are more ugly men than him. (beat:) At least he's proportionate!"
-1/1

"I was just thinkin' about JTT yesterday!! I was in the shower, and he just popped into my head."
-1/1

"It's Muppets and crystals!!...I'm not diggin' it."
-1/1

"Sexual?!! Lindsay, it's a pipe! You have to penetrate it."
-1/4

A: "How did we get that teepee, did Dee Dee give it to us?"
B: "I don't know, let's get back to you being a slut!"
-1/7

"Did you just compare Steve Perry to Fraulein Maria?!!"
-1/7

Wistfully, in unison, after walking past a mother and child talking about ice cream:
A: "I want a kid!"
B: "I want fudge sauce!"
-1/7

"You wanna know the facts? Here's the facts. Between eleven and two, my tuna walked away."
-1/10

"I don't care about John Melendez...and some black woman with a microphone!!"
-1/14

"See?!?! That's what textin' does to friendships!!"
-1/14

A: "What the hell was that?"
B: "That was Jon."
-pause-
A: "What was he doing?"
B: "Rappin'."
-pause-
JON (heatedly): "Beatboxing!!"
-1/15

"It looked like someone came in--with poop on their shoes--and did a dance."
-1/15

"NO! NO! Pizza is on me...I'm just sayin' I'm lazy."
-1/15

"That's a good question. (beat:) I think I'd hang my fanny out to dry every once in a while."
-1/15

A: "Are we going, or should I just go?"
B: "I don't know, what time is it?"
A: "Nine-thirty."
C: "Really?! I thought I was on that noodle for way longer than that!"
-1/15

"You're going to be the mother of a bastard child in a lesbian live-in situation!!"
-1/17

A: "Ye-ah!-- 'cause Dad's mean-spirited, of course he thinks that shit's hilarious!!"
B: "And spiteful!"
-1/17

A (disdainfully): "That gay!!"
-beat-
B: "What?"
A: "He's so gay!!"
B: "He can't help it."
-beat-
A: "I know."
B: "Well...actually he looks like he can."
-1/18

Re. Friendster:
"Where are my picture comments?! About Bill?!...And what about my testimonial?...you son of a bitch."
-1/19

A (guiltily): "This might not actually be the Stray Cats. I apologize for that."
B: "Who is it?"
A: "I don't think you want to know. (beat:) It's Letters To Cleo."
-1/21

A (outraged): "Is this Booker T. & the MGs?!!"
B: "It's the 'Munsters' theme song!"
-1/21

Upon discovery of cookie crumbs on couch:
"G.D.!!! (pause; then after picking at crumbs for a while:) I don't even know if this is my cookie."
-1/21

A: "Are you staying up?"
B: "Yeah, for a little while."
A: "Would you be watching a movie anyway?"
B: "Yeah, probably. I do most nights. (beat:) That, or masturbation."
-1/21

December 2005

"It was like petting a pig with warts and hair...but it grew on you, you know?"
-12/3

"Look you guys, I'm darker than these panties and I used to be way whiter!!"
-12/3

"There's half-eaten bread all over the place and fart in the air!"
-12/3

"My back hurts, you guys. (beat:) I feel like I did something I don't know about."
-12/4

"Look, it's not like he's throwing his whole body at you, he's just throwing his crotch at you -- it's not gonna break you!"
-12/4

"Like, earlier...with all the classical music and all the talkin'...I couldn't take it!"
-12/4

A: "This is Nada Surf, right?"
B: "Sweet God! (beat:) It's Death Cab for Cutie."
-12/4

"Wait...get out...we have to go! We're not staying for the wizard fight."
-12/4

A: "You don't think it's going to explode, do you?"
B: "I don't know?...umm...I do know that our electronics have a tendency to get possessed."
-12/6

Disdainfully:
"Is it about anarchy? (beat:) I don't think I can make an anarchy scarf."
-12/8

A: "Lindsay, do you have any idea how many people you would have offended if they heard that?"
B: "I don't care! I have no respect for the Beth Orton worshipers."
-12/8

"Look, you are trying to compare Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli! We know Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli are ghastly beasts, but that doesn't mean they sound the same!!"
-12/8

A: (enormous belch)
B: "You are hidge!!"
A: " I just like that I can do it. If you could do it, you'd like it, too."
-12/8

"Sian, seriously, where are the chairs?!! I'm sittin' on a mop bucket here."
-12/8

"...And there's a tombstone on it that says 'Eddie'...oh wait, that's a chef hat."
-12/9

"Okay...'Just Shoot Me' is not okay to watch in this house."
-12/9

On phone: "Hey, I was just thinking about you yesterday!!...No, seriously, I was gonna text you, 'Where are my goddamn baby pictures?!!'"
-12/10

A: "Parades love Sunday!"
B: "Ye-ah!!...they live for Sunday!"
-12/11

A: "He wanted to know if I wanted a ride."
B: "Yeah, a ride to the alley, so he can fuck you!"
-12/12

Re. a picture of the Lincoln Memorial:
"Abraham Lincoln looks drunk in this picture!"
-12/13

"Uuurghh!!...she is drama. (beat:) Seriously, she needs some hobbies."
-12/15

"He is the opposite of a drum machine. (beat:) He's like the ocean."
-12/16

Re. circus animal cookies:
"What I was gonna say is, 'I know this is silly, but I feel like they baked them just for me.'"
-12/17

"Yes!!!!...hip-hopera, here we come!!"
-12/17

"Uuuurghh!!...I have a splitting headache. And it's not the liquor...it's the fudge."
-12/17

Boss re. her son's recital: "Yeah, third grade. (beat:) And you have never heard 'Hot Cross Buns' like these kids play it. Jazzy. Real jazzy."
-12/19

"Honey, it hurts...and it's hilarious!!"
-12/20

Re. a Barbara Walters special:
"But seriously...why aren't we getting high yet?, 'cause Heaven's about to be on!!"
-12/20

Very seriously, re. Trapped in the Closet:
"Lindsay, this movie made me think a lot!"
-12/20

"The last couple days I feel like I've...contracted scurvy."
-12/20

"I love being so raunchy in dresses...it's so fun!"
-12/21

"Well if we're going to go to all this trouble, I'm going to have to get a caffeine-free Coke at some point."
-12/23

Re. The Four Agreements:
"I printed it out. 'Cause I was like, 'God damn, what are the frickin' Agreements?!!'"
-12/24

"I don't know what happened to her. (beat:) She didn't show up to the reunion, so I'm assuming she's fat."
-12/25

"Well, ye-ah!, 'cause he wanted a lesbian on each arm...sheeit!"
-12/26

"I totally kept that Commandment!! I'm not married, I'm straight...that's good, right?"
-12/27

"We'll get along fine! I like steak...and shopping...and Hitler."
-12/27

Re. Chinese actors playing Japanese characters in Memoirs of a Geisha:
MASAKI: "Japs can't act. It's not their fault."
-12/27

"Look, she's a twenty-seven-year-old fat, lonely dyke who lives in Newport Beach...of course she thinks I'm amazing!!"
-12/27

"So I met this straight guy!...We're gonna go cruisin' for chicks in Burbank."
-12/28

"Yes!! Not all Americans are like the girls in American Pie."
-12/30