July 2008

"Okay...is it racist if it's true?"
-7/7

"Principle, schminciple! We got videos we gotta take, of nerds!"
-7/14

Boss: "All right, let me get you a fat person so you can go home."
-7/18

A: "It looks like Osama bin Laden!"
B: "I know, with an instrument!"
-7/21

June 2007

"There's a certain amount of kitsch value to country music -- that's what I love about it. But it's not all chicken dance and lovin' your cousins!"
-6/1

"He's already moshing on a couch...shit!"
-6/2

A: "We should start a punk mandolin band."
-beat-
B: "We'd need an accordian player."
-6/3

"No...that's totally cheesy. That's like having a sports bar."
-6/3

"Try to find something new to make me rage about. I can't handle the McGriddle anymore."
-6/5

"Why would Tinkerbell be in her butt?!...Why?!"
-6/5

"Are you at a stopping point? Because I have something to report about my smelly feet."
-6/6

"It doesn't smell like sweaty feet! It smells like popcorn!"
-6/6

A: "I used to live on a dairy."
B: "Really?"
A: "Well...yes and no."
-6/8

(Contented sigh:) "There's something about chemicals...or sunshine!"
-6/8

"Yeah, every summer it was someone I knew havin' to pee on themselves."
-6/8

"I had a nap...I had a gallon of iced tea...I need to get a melon today!!"
-6/9

A: "Will Banerbird and Stegosaurus be okay with the tangerine?"
B: "I don't know about Stegosaurus, but the devil will!"
-6/9

A: "Yeah, I don't know why he doesn't like you."
B: "I don't either! I've been fuckin' playin' nice with that motherfucker!"
-6/9

(On phone:) "What if he left your mom for a black woman?"
-6/9

"I looked as close to shit as I could have...without being hung over!"
-6/9

"Isn't this awesome?! It's so, like, Taylor Dayne...but disco."
-6/9

A: "You're not superstitious, are you?"
B: "Yeah -- but look at this shovel."
-6/10

A: "Can you count really quick?"
B: "I can -- not autistic quick, but I can count pretty quick."
-6/10

"Not only do I have Rent-a-Baby, but I get paid to rent a baby."
-6/11

"I'm so excited about my new organized bag!!"
-6/11

"I think I'm, like, equally excited about my woman-wallet."
-6/11

"I'm sorry, Christina Aguilera can sang, with an A!"
-6/13

"No, it's okay -- I was thinking of how to apologize for my yoga."
-6/13

A: "Yeah, I hate that bitch!"
B: "Yeah...but I can't be mean because she's an old hag!"
-6/13

A (reading aloud): " 'The next day it was official: I had a man who loved me. I was filled with excitement, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. It was as if a part of me that had been missing had been found.' "
B: "Is it Jesus?"
A: "No. Mike Tyson."
-6/15

"I feel, like, how dorks feel when they first find out about Lord of the Rings."
-6/18

"...So now I have to expand my imaginary pets to include Nomi Malone and my miniature donkey Aaron Neville."
-6/18

"So, between Tanya Tucker and Aaron Neville it was an hour of my life waiting to see what the donkey of my dreams looks like."
-6/18

"It's because they're self-contained! Sandwiches and tacos! I love it."
-6/18

"Ooohh! Look at Mrs. Peacock...she's fuckin' refined!"
-6/19

"I mean, if they have enough time to walk around on stilts, they gotta be gay, right?"
-6/19

"She's such a loser -- I love her!"
-6/19

A: "So maybe people will befriend me!"
B: "Yeah. But you won't get any."
A: "GOOD!"
-6/19

A: "These Wavy Lays are a hit!"
B: "I know, I need them in my life!"
-6/19

"Why did that come in a package, is it full of, like, heroin?"
-6/19

"The first thing he did was bite me, that's how I knew...he was my dog."
-6/19

"Those are my memories of New York. Pubes and room service."
-6/19

Re. Professor Plum:
A: "He is an intellectual."
B: "An intellectual Mary. Bottom."
-6/19

"I'm not of any Celtic descent...but I liked the kilt, 'cause it allowed me to get in fights."
-6/20

Re. iguana:
"As much as he creeps me out...he fascinates me."
-6/21

"For a while, my brother had a side business of selling reptiles. I never saw one...I guess I would always visit in between lizards."
-6/21

"I'm eating a donut! Please don't show me that dog."
-6/22

"It's hard to find a donkey that's not centered, with room for a fish."
-6/22

A: "How are those casseroles coming?"
B: "They're gonna be fuckin' crazy, man!"
-6/22

A: "Eat the watermelon!"
B: "I'm not eatin' the fuckin' watermelon!"
-6/22

"I could make a bow and arrow from scratch...and not just a rinky-dink bow and arrow, one you could actually kill things with."
-6/22

A (incredulously): "He was muscle-y?!"
B: "He's gay."
-6/23

A: "They weren't nuns, they were teachers!"
B: "Same thing...ladies hangin' out."
-6/23

"Like, why?! What did you do to make her so mad that she made you put away her vegetable peeler?"
-6/23

"Oh my God, she's an unknowing Scientologist!"
-6/23

"You titillate the Japanese in me when you get miniature stuff."
-6/23

"Ohhh, I would be all over that shit!...in theory."
-6/23

"I actually think, in a way, Thomas Paine was just a big asshole."
-6/23

"Ooohh! I love sheet protectors! I used to buy them in bulk."
-6/23

"Yeah. Opaque. 'Cause it's classier."
-6/23

"I used to love the Costco stationery center. I would just go and stare."
-6/23

"That's the name of the game to me, is 'My Hands Hurt And People Are Laughing At Me'."
-6/23

"I think we're raving about it because we had such low expectations, you know?"
-6/23

Excitedly:
"Oh man - I can see a tractor from here!"
-6/24

"I think if I had one more drink I could wake up in a ditch...in Thailand."
-6/24

"Okay -- so one's a Jedi knight and one's Darth Vader...they're the same, you know?"
-6/24

A: "Do you want a flashlight pen?"
B: "Why do you ask?"
A: "...Just curious."
-6/25

Coworker shouting across office: "Tim, Iraq still isn't over, do you want me to wait or cut and paste?"
-6/27

"We had a really cool Homecoming assembly -- I transcribed the choreography to Captain EO."
-6/27

"Oh. My. God. Warmy is, like, lighting me on fire."
-6/28

"I don't like Winchell's. (thoughtful pause:) No...out of all the donut places in the world, Winchell's is my second favorite."
-6/30

"Honey, I wasn't lookin' for pot -- I'm talkin' about segregation!"
-6/30

June 2006

A: "Why didn't you come to my birthday party?"
B: "I was sick."
A: "Oh. Thank God you didn't come to my birthday party!"
-6/2

"Yeah. You couldn't hear the cowbell on some parts, like when I'm playing the cowbell?, and I was like, 'Um, that's kind of important!' "
-6/4

"I think if I had that equipment, I would make totally different music with it. Like, it would still be cool, but it wouldn't be gay."
-6/4

"It's like, tennis for nerds or something!"
-6/4

"The only person I know in Inherit the Wind is...Darwin."
-6/6

Exasperatedly:
"It has to lay flat, like a halo! It can't hang like a garter belt from a rearview mirror!"
-6/7

"It took them five years to plan a cruise that goes one way?!?"
-6/9

"Well, I love that in your mocking stupor you almost fell off the couch!"
-6/12

"Well, you know how she does it, all sensual, and I was like, 'This is my kitty, stop being sensual!' "
-6/12

Re. "poodle-type thing":
"Well, yes, it's a living thing, it has the potential to be sweet -- but don't tell me it was attractive."
-6/15

"...and we gotta take her ass to get spayed eventually!"
-6/15

"The ranch is very weird today. Not weird bad, but weird tangy. It's like they put some extra zest in it. (later:) Maybe that ranch wasn't tangy so much as...gone bad."
-6/16

A: "Is that Elmer Fudd?"
-beat-
B: "...Tom Waits."
-6/19

Re. "Shinto" as the correct answer to a Jeopardy question:
"Of course he's gonna get it, he's Asian!"
-6/19

Straight lady: "Do you want to be a Disney character?"
Lesbian: "I did when I was younger."
Straight lady: "Did you want to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid?"
Lesbian: "No...I wanted to be Aladdin."
-6/20

"Whoa, whoa! He is in blackface because black people are better athletes!"
-6/20

"'Bye!...I have to pee, so I'm saying goodbye now."
-6/20

"Who names their daughter Sioux?! Like the Indian. (beat:) Like, casino Indian."
-6/20

A: “She looks like Eleanor Frutt.”
B: “Who?”
A: “Camryn Manheim. (beat:) I’m not calling her fat. I’m calling her ugly.”
-6/20

"I hate...what is that show called? It's called...basketball."
-6/20

"So he's in Seattle now? With his people?...I mean, flannel shirt-wearing lesbians?"
-6/22

"Edgar. Let's get real here. Enough about bird diapers."
-6/23

"I'm surprised I wasn't fat as a child. But I was very active...running away from bullies."
-6/24

"So?! I can be prejudiced about one VHS and not another!"
-6/24

"Yeah, it was scary. So don't go into our downstairs bathroom by yourself...take a cat with you." -6/24

"Good night, you guys! Thanks for coming over...to Pam's place."
-6/24

"No, no. It wasn't like, 'R. Kelly keeps it so real, I can relate!' "
-6/24

"Well, she's way better, but she's crappier so I like her more."
-6/24

A: "Really?, they have a radio station at Chapman? When did that happen?"
B: "Forty years ago."
-6/24

"So I think Mom's getting you a knife and me some Trix."
-6/25

"I thought you wanted me to pumice your foot and I was like, 'All right, pumice foot.' "
-6/29

A: "Do you wanna watch Nacho Libre?"
B: "Nacho Libre? What's that? Cheese book?"
-6/29