February 2007

"Maybe we should have a general fund for chocolate."
-2/1

"Isn't the movie a straight porn with gay actors...and singing instead of sex?"
-2/4

Creepily serious:
"Leashes are great!"
-2/4

A: "Honey, we're gonna see Music & Lyrics."
B (resignedly): "I know."
-2/5

"Ooohh!!! Sea turtles!!! So cute!!!...oh wait, is that a sea turtle?"
-2/8

"She's like a living dinosaur! Like a living...kind of glamorous...dinosaur."
-2/8

"I hate medium...it's so hard!"
-2/12

"Just look at her face! She has, like, an oil tanker with her name on it!"
-2/12

"I was like, what?! What does that mean?!...But then I saw it, and I was like, 'Wow, that really was next-level hand puppetry!!' "
-2/14

"Come here, kitty, I want to look at your genitals!"
-2/15

"Lindsay, I'm addicted to sushi!...I'm starting to think it's a problem."
-2/15

Boss shouting across office: "Everyone can have M&Ms except for Michael!"
-2/16

"I think I'm gonna tell...I'm gonna tell a story of revenge. A Christmas story of revenge."
-2/16

"Uh, no flaming skull, just him looking really pensive with a bad haircut. (beat:) In the mist, though."
-2/16

"God damn polar bears, hell yeah!"
-2/16

"I'm doing some major cleaning tomorrow, by the way. I'm gonna be here with labels and kitties, so some things are gonna be taken care of."
-2/18

"It's not supposed to be like this!...It's supposed to make farting sounds, but it got wet."
-2/20

"We're all, like, scrambling to be disappointed."
-2/21

"This is everything wrong with this, distilled into one ninety-pound ball of hair."
-2/23

"There's big news on the light bulb front!"
-2/23

Two girls re. an embellished vintage sweater:
A: "I like the cloud, the cloud's my favorite part."
B: "That's like a mushroom."
A (excitedly): "Yeah, it's like a mushroom!"
-2/24

Shouted at TV screen during Oscar pre-show:
"You're the most boring gay e-ver!"
-2/25

"I don't know if she's a waitress, or one of those people who greets people at the door...'cause she's, like, retarded."
-2/26

November 2005

"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3

"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4

A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5

Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5

"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5

A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5

A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5

"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5

"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5

"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5

"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5

A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6

"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6

A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7

"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7

"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7

"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8

"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12

"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12

"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12

"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16

A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16

"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19

"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19

"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19

A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28

A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28

"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28

"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28

A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28

Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28

"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28

JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28

"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28

Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28

"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28

"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28