February 2006

A: "He doesn't eat hot dogs?! What kind of cat doesn't eat hot dogs?!"
B: "This one!"
-2/2

"She wanted to savor each bite, but she was all Tori Amos about it and droolin' on herself."
-2/2

"Please don't ever say your cat ravaged you again."
-2/2

Re. Superbowl party:
A: "Will there be game-playing?"
B: "Well...the people on the screen are the ones playing the game...it's not like a baby shower!"
-2/4

"Look at this puppy!!...ignore the tartan...just look at the puppy."
-2/7

"I'm gonna make it a hobby of mine to pick a new cheese every time I walk into a grocery store."
-2/7

"What's something that you can eat or drink that makes you feel really good?...Besides drugs?"
-2/12

"No, no, we're not talking about 'Kumbaya', we're talking about 'Coonrod'."
-2/13

Re. belly buttons:
"It's just 'cause it feels weird. Like, I feel it in my crotch...and not in a good way."
-2/18

"Two weeks?! I don't fuckin' need two weeks! It's a three-page paper...about statues!"
-2/19

A: "Oh yeah?! I'll do my Tejano riff!"
B: "Oh, shit...she said 'riff'!!"
-2/19

A: "This is horrifying!"
B: "Well...'cause of my tight-mouth!"
-2/19

Re. cats' love of paper:
"Like, it owns them. Even the big ones...even the big ones. If there's a business card on the floor, they will go for it."
-2/19

"Oh, just leave my albino face alone! I can't help it!"
-2/19

"It could possibly be that I was high, and my mitts are all tingly and I was rubbin' 'em."
-2/19

"Topper just bit his foot, and then licked it twice...and then he was done."
-2/19

"This makes me think of, like, Superman's winter lair."
-2/19

"All this Cell Phone talk is stressing me out."
-2/19

Re. a picture of Flea the cat:
"Wait, was Kate Stewart mesmerized by him?"
-2/19

"Like, he ruined my suitcase...and there are valuable videocassettes in that basket!"
-2/19

"Seriously, I snorted cookie tonight...I'm not up for this."
-2/19

"So, wait. Are you telling me that you're moving or that you created a massive swoop?"
-2/19

Re. Thomas Kinkade prints:
"They are luminous. (beat:) That's a good descriptive word."
-2/19

Re. Madonna:
"Everyone else has a Black Album...she has to have a White Album."
-2/19

Very seriously:
"It was a hidden, deeply- ...wait, what was that you were saying about shorts??"
-2/19

"No, I know, it's just...don't compare sexiness with Kathleen Turner."
-2/19

"Do you guys ever feel dominated by the fat on your legs?"
-2/19

A: "Like, when you look at this picture what do you see? I mean, what profession would I be?"
B: "Ummm...a pastor's wife?"
-2/19

A: "Did you sit next to anyone cool on the plane?"
B (disgustedly): "No. I sat by a woman."
-2/22

"I like to wear a jacket. It completes my look. (beat:) And it's a blazer, not a jacket."
-2/22

A: "Are you from the South?"
B: "Southern Illinois. I count that."
-2/23

"I was trying to give her a good analogy, but I ended up just making everyone uncomfortable."
-2/23

"Ughhh...Lindsay couldn't eat a Krispy Kreme. (beat:) Or a bran muffin."
-2/23

A: "What does it taste like?"
B: "Uhhh...not good. (beat:) Notice I'm clearing the sink in case I puke."
-2/23

"My consciousness was of Step, Step...Ass, Ass, Ass, Ass...then, Stop."
-2/23

"I need to change. Sorry it took so long to realize I look like an ass!"
-2/23

"Brad?! Brad was destroyed. By a heinous beast who doctored a picture of Elijah Wood!"
-2/23

A: "You've been to Canada, haven't you?"
B: "Well, yes, to Flintstoneland, when I was like seven."
-2/23

Re. "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent:
"It's a song you sing in your bedroom and figure out what harmony you would be. That's it! You don't take it public!"
-2/23

"You are my Google, Lindsay...as well as my dictionary.com."
-2/23

Pam re. Lindsay: "She likes shiny things...I like argyle."
-2/24

"She was really good! Like, almost better than Cher!"
-2/24

Coworker A: "Can you hold on there a second? I've got a paper that I think you'll wanna have."
Coworker B (hopefully): "Is it my walking papers?"
-2/24

Coworker, while writing in farewell card: "Is 'riddance' with one 'D' or two 'D's??"
-2/24

"Pamela, I have to tell you that I was quite taken with your bathmats."
-2/24

"I find it confusing too, Sarah. But then again, I do have a brain injury."
-2/24

"Lindsay, that is Aunt Jemima. When you see her, you know."
-2/24

A: "I think it's just a racist figurine!"
B: "Well...it's a racist figurine and Aunt Jemima."
-2/24

"But where's my bathroom?!...I feel like I'm in an episode of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'!"
-2/24

"This is like...they set it up for awkward moments...you know?"
-2/24

"Why is there a tree out here?!...Are we outside?!!" -2/24

LINDSAY: "Where are you ladies going?"
ADAM: "I'm going down there."
-2/24

"I'm sure there is an ATM very close...But I don't know, it's the Valley."
-2/24

A: "Where's the prototype?!"
B: "In my vagina."
-2/24

A: "Lindsay, I verified it!"
B: "Yeah, with a gay man!"
A (heatedly): "There was a woman there too!!"
-2/24

"Let's go dumpster-diving. Like, all the time. We could get, like, wetsuits."
-2/24

"Gold medal or not, she's still Michelle Kwan!"
-2/24

"I just kept thinking about...how can it be comfortable to keep moving your mouth up and down...so fast!"
-2/24

"I'm just realizing how truly homosexual it was when I went on that rant about Janice Dickinson!" -2/24

"I have a very vivid memory of the P.E. teacher saying, 'Girls...and Adam...shhhh!'"
-2/25

"Well, it's just too flavorful. You know me, I don't like flavor overload."
-2/25

"What's a bovine? Is that a snake?"
-2/25

A: "But what is the dance supposed to be?"
B: "It's a hammer and saw! It's self-explanatory!"
-2/25

"If you have ever eaten in a real Texas barbeque, there are no Asians or cracked peanuts!!"
-2/25

Re. Joni Mitchell:
"I think it is folk...but I still like it."
-2/25

"I know the town better than you do, and I never saw any lesbians or beer...all right?"
-2/25

"I need another Coke. I had a really long day. I had a three-hour clown party today."
-2/25

"Circle up, kids, it's carpet time!"
-2/25

"A little thigh goes a long way...POP! (beat:) I need to stop drinking Coca-Cola."
-2/25

"Uhhh...quotes! Those are great for cross-stitching!"
-2/25

A: "So if I were to roll out on you in a hamster ball...I would be gay?"
B: "Uhhh...yes."
-2/25

"I haven't seen her since the Viper Room, either...I think she's gotten bad taste since then!"
-2/25

"I didn't envy him at all! He wore flip-flops and a blazer...come on!"
-2/25

"I feel so disconnected without access to MySpace!"
-2/26

Re. conservative parenting:
"I wasn't supposed to know about my period, apparently...like Carrie!"
-2/26

"I was Fat Blossom. It's no fun being Fat Blossom."
-2/26

A: "Like who in Les Miz?"
B: "Gavroche."
-beat-
A: "Oh, okay."
-2/26

Dejectedly:
"Ohhh!, I'm a giant like Macy Gray!"
-2/26

A: "...foamed at the mouth, foamed at the mouth --"
B: "She was frothy."
-2/26

Fiercely:
"Good night!, good night!...I will leave some blankets out, and a pillow!"
-2/26

"I'm sorry, I'm usually so fun!"
-2/26

"I think I've finally made the change from a Sweet to a Savory."
-2/26

"No place in the entire city of San Francisco had a long curly black wig. (beat:) I was ready to slit my wrists right there and call it done."
-2/26

"My favorite movie, reminds me of my childhood, she hates it. But. Renee Zellweger. Reminds me of the Albino."
-2/26

A: "Just...take it back!"
B: "The movie or the DVD player?"
-2/26

A: "It's like a positive Tourette's!"
B: "Yeah...I think I'm the first person who's ever spun Tourette's that way."
-2/28

An explanation of cell phone ringtones:
"Yeah...there's only, like, four people I like, and they're chimps. The rest are toilets."
-2/28

"But does that make me weird? That I'm, like, a weird science nerd in my head?"
-2/28

February 2005

"You just committed musical murder."
-2/3

"He was born with just a nub, and girls loved the nub love, he just had a nub, and he was hot."
-2/3

A, B (singing): "Announcements, Announcements, Announcements --"
C (spoken, aside): "Wait, is there an announcement, or is this it?"
-2/3

"You could have died with your dick outta your pants, and it would have been dishonorable!"
-2/3

"Wait! I have putty in my hand. I hope you're okay with that."
-2/3

A: "I have fucked up everything in this apartment."
B: "No, you have not -- just sit down, we're gonna play Catchphrase."
-2/3

"Plus, Tim Curry's so weird, how could you not want to see him dressed as a pirate and surrounded by muppets?"
-2/5

Re. attending first-ever Superbowl party:
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was pretty much what you'd expect...lots of beer...and meats...and chips and dip...all of which I love."
-2/6

"Wait, I cut the fauxhawk because I wanted to ruin the wedding."
-2/10

"I'll call you about the wicker chair...it's important."
-2/10

"I almost knocked this beer bottle in my forehead-skull!"
-2/19

"Ooohh, the devil's gotta sit on a tack to stay!"
-2/19

A: "Did you just drop something?"
B: "Yes I did...it was the macaroni puzzle."
-2/23

Urgently:
"Quick, before Allegra sees the beans!!"
-2/23

A: "Did you sell wares?!"
B: "At the Renaissance Faire? [Person A nods.] NO!...I did hair-braiding."
-2/24

"God damn it, Oprah Winfrey, stop presenting things!"
-2/24

"BRING me a lesbian!! Bring it, crack it, bring it!!!!"
-2/25

A: "What was the name of your vibrator, was it Pedro -- or Paco?"
B: "No, it was my first one, Sergei."
A: "What?, why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?"
-pause-
C: "My first goat's name was Pedro."
-2/25

Re. a hospital restroom:
A: "Good lord, that smells really bad!"
-beat-
B (matter-of-factly): "It always smells like cinnamon to me."
-2/25

"Your coat is on the couch...uh...davenport."
-2/25

"Lindsay, hold on, can I call you 'Lindsay Rae, Born in May'??"
-2/25

"Don't get me tappin'!"
-2/25

"I want you to make fun of me, that's why I fell in love with you!"
-2/25

A: "One day- we are going to make dinner. And then we are going to play music. And we will dance, because we are dancers!!"
B: "Wait...wait...do you believe it?"
A: "And I think we should move the furniture out of the way, and drink lots of wine and dance."
-2/25

"I said, 'I'm gonna wear these pearls for the rest of my life!!' And I thought, I'm exquisite!"
-2/25

A: "Are you gonna eat that?"
B: "I can."
A: "Well, I don't want it in my boobs."
-2/25

"Hey!, have you seen our bonsai tree?"
-2/25

"Don't talk to me, okay?!! Don't talk to me about organization!!"
-2/25

"I was in this show last summer, and this old man who worked in the theater -- he was like eighty -- he said I had a classic nose -- and I was like, 'You're Eighty!!'"
-2/25

"They're straight men...in order to deal with the feathers, they get shit-faced."
-2/25

"Put the cigarette in the fucking hole in the fucking ashtray and stop your whining!"
-2/25

"You guys, you guys, I want to make a toast to the lead singer of the Darkness."
-2/25

"She gets two dimples, two, I get one. She gets two. Awesome."
-2/25

A: "Whose phone can I use? Whose? Can I use this?"
B: "Sure!"
A: "Whose phone is it, is it yours?"
B: "No, I thought it was, but it's not."
-2/25

"And air it! And air it! And oh my God I got somethin' on my shoe!"
-2/25

A: "What are you doing tomorrow?"
B: "Bedazzling!, you wanna come?!?!"
-2/25

"-- like, fast vibrato, West Side Story shit!!"
-2/26

"I wasn't gonna touch it, don't back away like a skittish cat."
-2/26

"The first time I got drunk, I was backstage helping some drag queens get dressed-- I don't even know how I got there."
-2/26

"I took out another student loan, and I thought to myself, 'Fuck this shit, I'm gonna buy myself some Dolly Parton!'...Interest be damned."
-2/26

"OH my GOD!! Someone's cell phone is ringing!! Stop the party!!"
-2/26

"Pamela Mackey equals ass crack all the time!!"
-2/26

"You will ruin the batch for everyone with your saliva beads."
-2/26

"It must have been love, but it's over now...where's my cocktail??"
-2/26

"I was like, number one, passive-aggressive. Number two, GAY."
-2/26

"Yes!, that's what I meant! When I said 'toga', I meant 'Flintstones'!!"
-2/26

"Every cat I have is gay. [pause:] Aunt Mary? BIG dyke!!"
-2/26

"Thank you for thinking of me. I'm getting a haircut...and a new outfit!"
-2/26

"Shirley Bassey, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand. They're all the same, and they're all iconic."
-2/26

"Okay-- I'll have a woman on my thighs, and this one massaging. [pause:] Okay, go."
-2/26

"Are you kidding me with that boy?!?! Are you kidding me with this girl?!?! Are you KIDDING me with the crawfish on her pants?!?!?!"
-2/26

"Don't expose your neck if you don't want kisses!"
-2/28