October 2007

Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5

"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5

"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5

"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5

"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6

Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9

A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12

"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13

On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13

"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14

"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17

"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17

"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17

A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17

"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18

"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18

Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19

A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19

"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19

A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19

"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19

"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19

"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20

"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20

"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20

"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20

"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21

A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21

"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21

"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22

"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24

"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24

"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24

"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27

"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27

"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28

"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28

November 2005

"It's only two minutes...what's that gonna do? (beat:) A red ass is what that's gonna do!!"
-11/3

"Have you heard the Rhett Miller version of 'I Believe She's Lying'?? (pause:) Well, it's...it makes you want to kill yourself, basically."
-11/4

A: "Your back is like a thousand degrees!"
B: "Imagine how my ass feels...it's like the sun!"
-11/5

Mom on phone: "Oh Pam, don't start crying. I'm just about to go into Wal-Mart."
-11/5

"Uuurghh! You guys, I'm so fat!!...You fattened me up this holiday season."
-11/5

A: "I'm like a dog that can't stop biting its butt!"
-uncomfortable pause-
B: "Jesus!"
A: "Well, I'm all raw and shit!!"
-11/5

A: "WAIT...no one declared it."
B: "Declared what?"
-long pause-
A: "Tickle Time??"
-11/5

"Let me put on my shoes...and not a hippie shirt. (beat:) Hippie time's OVER!"
-11/5

"Ewwwww!...that is fucking sick! You do not sit on Gloria Shulman's face!!"
-11/5

"I like all the creases down there...my feet are attracted to them."
-11/5

"You know when something hurts so bad you just have to hit it? (Rubs knee.) That's this...right now."
-11/5

A: "Did you think it was poop?"
-beat-
B: "Ye-ah!...or a piece of bark."
-11/6

"No, no, no, no, no! I'm not saying this to guilt-trip you. I'm saying I need to find a way out of this, fast!"
-11/6

A: "Lindsay -- I've been waiting for you to come in here so I can tell you a story about Friendster."
B: "Does it involve Filipinos?"
A: "Well...Malaysians."
-11/7

"I've been on many lengthy car rides with him and have openly said I'm a homo but he's never concurred...but he lives in West Hollywood and he loves Kelly Clarkson!!"
-11/7

"I need some minions for this shit!! (beat:) Seriously, if I'd have known I would have coerced some."
-11/7

"No...I want news anchor hair...secretly."
-11/8

"I don't want to see that! It's trashy!...It's trashy and it shows my tiger stripes...and I'm not in the mood for it."
-11/12

"It was cute...he nurtured me like a pup!"
-11/12

"Lindsay, I must tell you I was propositioned by a rocket scientist."
-11/12

"I had one bong hit, and that was it. (beat:) You want some Nerds??"
-11/16

A: "I put garlic powder on my grilled cheese, too!"
B: "Garlic salt."
A: "I use garlic powder."
B: "Close...but mine's saltier."
-11/16

"He is beautiful...and he tap dances!! Oh my God, I am ovulating right now."
-11/19

"Do you know that every girl you've ever fallen in love with works at a M.A.C. counter?!"
-11/19

"Instantly, it's like...it's like I have an ulcer. 'Cause of all the heterosexuals."
-11/19

A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?"
-beat-
A: "It's wrapping paper!"
B: "But what is it made out of?!"
-beat-
A: "Paper!!!"
-11/28

A: "It's about nine pieces of construction paper taped together, wrapped around, like, five toilet paper rolls and a paper towel roll taped together."
B: "Booyah!!"
-11/28

"Jenean-- slipper, ankle, pant leg! It makes sense, I promise you!"
-11/28

"Does this house seem kind of gnomish to you guys?"
-11/28

A: "That was kind of a drunk comment."
B (fiddling with a camera): "I am kind of drunk. (beat:) Where's the zoooom?!!"
-11/28

Wistfully:
"I love it!! They're like Saddam and Hitler!!"
-11/28

"Anyone know anyone in the 'zine industry?? 'Cause that's, like, some Brian Jonestown Massacre shit right there!"
-11/28

JENEAN: "You guys, what if I lived in L.A.?"
-11/28

"Seriously, I want to lay on top of him! I wish he wasn't terrified of my man-strength."
-11/28

Re. Billy Joel:
"Why does this remind me of both The Lion King and Mrs. Doubtfire?"
-11/28

"But I like these songs!!...just 'cause I felt like I was in a gnome's boot doesn't mean I didn't like the soundtrack!"
-11/28

"Oh, wait!!...This whole time I thought you were talking about a giant pencil."
-11/28