March 2009

"COBRA. It's an acronym, it stands for...C-O-B-R-A."
-3/5

Boss on phone: "It's fuckin' Lucky Charms! Goodbye. Have a good weekend."
-3/6

A: "It's like a window into the abyss of hell."
B: "That's what I want!"
-3/9

A: "Jevon always works it out."
B: "I think it's all the candy."
-3/9

Boss: "I'm blaming you for the stock market's performance today."
-3/11

"Do we have a photo of someone licking a fish?…'cause if we do, that's going on the homepage."
-3/12

"That is all I am. I am a shell without television."
-3/12

"All I know is, if they would do this to an unwed mother, think what they would do to puppies."
-3/12

Employee to boss going on vacation: "So I'll see you in a week and a half?"
Boss: "It's not even that bad…it's, like, ten days."
-3/12

"A robot that feels. That's my sister's ultimate fear. (beat:) No fuckin' joke."
-3/14

"Maybe you just have a really high butt crack!"
-3/14

A: "It's so weird, my legs feel like I've been walking around all day."
B: "Maybe it's your pants."
-3/14

"He just likes to make his hat askew and throw things."
-3/14

A: "We rode on a plane with George Burns, didn't we?"
B: "He's dead."
-3/14

Re. "Buffy the Vampire Slayer":
"I don't know anyone who likes it that isn't a girl or a lesbian."
-3/14

A: "He can sing. He can dance. He's Wolverine."
B: "He is a triple threat."
-3/14

"Wait -- but you can't be relaxed if you're -- peeing!"
-3/14

"She doesn't pee on her feet and then walk around!"
-3/14

"You can drink pee! It's like a beverage!"
-3/14

"You know what's the best? Drunk shower-peeing."
-3/14

"Let's not talk about 'Kill Bill' or peeing as a man."
-3/14

"Jon thinks I'm mad at him because he can pee through a penis."
-3/14

"Unless you have an infection, peeing always feels good."
-3/14

"I said 'mime' and you looked like I barfed in your mouth!"
-3/14

Re. Larry King:
"Doesn't his son want to be something? Like black?"
-3/14

A instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
thats right
deal with it missy
and then see what you have to say about my butter cow
-3/16

"We're in a pirate bar, too, so, either way -- if it's not Irish, it's pirate."
-3/17

A: "There's a fat person on the homepage."
B: "Straight or gay?"
-3/18

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
i am so hungry
it's sad
this is what poverty must feel like
and frankly i don't like it, but they are thin
-3/19

An instant messenger chat transcript excerpt:
whoa!
who gives a dog an enema?
stranger still
who gives a dog an enema at a mall?!?!
-3/19

Boss to coworker who lost a filling: "Too much taffy over the weekend!"
-3/23

"I do not know why i have procrastinated...I just want to go home and vomit some more."
-3/27

A: "This doesn't look like the L.A. Times, does it?"
B: "No...it looks awesome."
-3/27

Re. bolognese sauce
"That is the bomb right there. You can serve that to a female…she’ll marry you."
-3/31

"Man, the Bible's gettin' good right now!"
-3/31

February 2009

"The editor's watching you stick your thumb in some cheese…it's not awesome."
-2/4

"Whoa, I didn't realize you could be charged with Attempted Mayhem."
-2/11

"It's scary and cute…it's got somethin' for everyone."
-2/16

"It's acceptable if she's transgendered."
-2/23

"It's not a joke...I have so much shampoo."
-2/23

On the cross-section of society that is Blockbuster Video customers:
"Young. Old. Dicks."
-2/23

On the Academy Awards:
"How can a cleft palate movie not win?"
-2/23

A: "Have you had too much to drink, Sarah?"
B: "No, but I should have!"
-2/23

Boss 1, on putting three donut holes in his mouth: "Never underestimate what I would do for a dollar."
Boss 2: "I woulda fuckin' done that for fifty cents!"
-2/24

Boss: "If Iron Maiden hasn't recorded it I probably don't know the lyrics."
-2/25

"Oh no, it's a classy wheelchair."
-2/25

"You don't have to plead ignorance, you can just acknowledge it."
-2/26

"You're like the Mickey Rourke of midget animals."
-2/27

January 2009

"You know who would love that outfit? Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis."
-1/8

Boss: "That would be a good book. 'Words I've Put In Your Mouth'."
-1/20

"He looks like a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Keith Richards."
-1/27

Boss: "I would clone the wrong people, probably. (beat:) I would start with the Olsen Twins."
-1/30

"Okay. So why is that news? It's a phallic tree."
-1/30

December 2008

"You don't sneak up on a woman when she's wearing a pad."
-12/2

"I will definitely mistake my cell phone vibrating for labor."
-12/4

"Sometimes it takes three times to poop on something before it gets the picture."
-12/6

"Be careful, you're gonna burn your slacks."
-12/6

"I told my friends I was gonna be a gay elf...for Christmas."
-12/6

"At least an anchor's honorable."
-12/6

"You look like you're in Tron right now, by the way."
-12/6

"I'm gonna take the salsa out of my room 'cause it's, like, permeating everything."
-12/6

"It's weird, 'cause my brother is still my brother, but now he has weird underwear and doesn't drink stuff."
-12/6

An instant message chat excerpt:
ain't nothing wrong with a hippogriff
-12/8

"When they heard that bang, they panicked and they ate all their children."
-12/10

"He's gentle. He's like Harry Potter."
-12/13

"It was like Laura Ingalls -- like slutty Laura Ingalls."
-12/14

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: ...wait, is time vegan?
B: time or thyme?
B: oh Tim, no, he just likes candy
-12/16

Coworker: "I just feel like we're really missing an opportunity not to have Big Hat Day here."
-12/18

Coworker A: "It's a big motherfuckin' hat, is what that is!"
Coworker B: "That's no joke."
-12/18

Boss, on phone: "Let me ask Henry 'cause I sit right by him. (swivels in chair and shouts to Henry:) Boob job!!"
-12/18

Boss: "Just focus in on the baby Jesus."
-12/23

A: "Acrobats stress me out. Like, what if you knew one in real life?"
B: "Mmmm...that would be stressful."
-12/23

"Her face looks bottom-heavy. Like if you put her face on a table and tried to push it over it wouldn't tip."
-12/27

"I'm sure he has anecdotes -- he's gay!"
-12/29

Boss shouting across office: "Man covered in feces?! I think we need to put that in More News."
-12/31

"They're all Germans, gay, or gay Germans. (beat:) Or frat boys."
-12/31

"Chinese fighting robes...big whoop. This lady had a teapot on her head."
-12/31

"Peeing in your mouth is way more intimate."
-12/31

"Okay, now the poop is an obese man struggling!"
-12/31

"I got ill thinking about a plant coming out of my bottom."
-12/31

November 2008

Teen girl in bagel store, re. the Cardigans' "Lovefool": "I love this song. I really like old-fashioned music."
-11/1

"(Gasp:) More sock monkeys!"
-11/1

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
OMG.....I wish you were there last night at our place when Tom farted
the conversation that happened after the fart would've made your quote book
Tom: FART
Yuki: Wow, that was a glorious one
Tom: Yeah, it's like my ass massaged itself!
Yuki: ROFL!!!!!!!
I know, TMI.
-11/6

"I walked in and heard someone say, 'Are they truly looking for ninja weapons?' and then I left."
-11/6

Boss, on discovering an unused file cabinet: "We can get babies and let them nap in here!"
-11/6

Coworker A, re. a vacant row of cubicles: "What did you do with all the people over here?"
Coworker B: "They all decided, what's the point?"
-11/6

"Chipotle is my bitch."
-11/7

"I think I've opened your cheese mind."
-11/7

A: "Four months into their relationship he peed on her fridge."
B: "That's more of a year thing."
-11/7

A: "I think I was at the Abbey when I first asked that question to a person."
B: "It's a learnin' place."
-11/7

A: "Well, they are sneaky."
B: "They are, they will sneak up on you and lick your knuckles."
-11/7

A (disgustedly): "Have you all seen Hercules?!"
B (emphatically): I have not!"
-11/7

"I did meet her -- she was (clucks tongue:) -- what a hitter."
-11/7

"Killer whales are dicks."
-11/7

"...I feel pretty good about taking old medicine."
-11/7

A: "It's a sign of love."
B: "Urine?!!"
-11/10

"Optimism is the new pessimism!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
how can someone hate whales?
i mean if you are a seal I GET it
but other than that
-11/12

"Yeah...I'm crazy 'cause I don't like eatin' tentacles!"
-11/12

An instant message chat excerpt:
A: Hey, let's go to the Hollywood Improv and see Greg Proops this weekend!
B: oh no!
B: he's back?
A: yep!
A: he's back and he's straight/gayer than ever!
-11/13

A: "Dude, I know how I'm gonna look in twenty years."
B: "Really? How?"
A: "Hot."
-11/13

Re. pineapples:
"It's the Lord showin' off, once again."
-11/14

Boss: "It's not stalking anymore. It's Facebook."
-11/18

"What do you mean, 'the kid'?! He's clearly a bisexual adult male!"
-11/18

An instant message chat excerpt:
whatever miniscule scrap of empathy I might have had for al qaida evaporated today
-11/19

"Let me tell ya. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it for the money. (beat:) Considering the money's shit."
-11/24

"All right. I'm learning to control my anger. (beat:) Would you like some cornbread?"
-11/27

"My gay boss wears that shirt."
-11/29

October 2008

"Navy is really dark."
-10/3

"Hello, remember when we tried to walk home from downtown Long Beach? You barfed on the sidewalk all the way home!"
-10/3

"That's like the time I threw up on the Pakistani fraternity!"
-10/3

"Was it racist in the way of, like, Australians?"
-10/3

Re. astrology:
A: "I'm pretty spot-on with my sign."
B: "I am too! I have a foot fetish with my own feet."
-10/3

A: "You are bossy."
B: (gasp:) "I am so bossy!"
-10/3

A: "I threw up in my rubber boat shoe the last time I had seafood."
B: "You have a rubber boat shoe?!"
-10/3

"It's scary as in (drops voice to a whisper:) gangs!"
-10/3

"I don't think I want a Narnia tattoo."
-10/4

"I have an old-timey collection of seashells."
-10/4

Male Boss A: "Do you ever read Jezebel?"
Male Boss B: "Am I a lady?"
-10/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i love greek food, therefore i love tom hanks
they go hand and hand
-10/16

Boss: "Let's bring back McCarthyism."
-10/22

"Nothing says '37-year-old gay man' like the Nissan Altima."
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: we can allow the word douche right
A: in comments
A: can we approve a coment
A: that sasys "Bill's a douche"
B: no douche!
-10/23

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
i was hiking and ran into some cows
i was kind of scared.
they're pretty big you know
and they were staring at me.
-10/24

A: "So excited about the sea dragons!"
B: "I'm so excited about this 22-year-old girl!"
-10/27

"...but I think he had a stroke. And he's young. (beat:) That made me happy. Real happy."
-10/31

"I suppose if anyone could have vegan flesh it would be Jesus."
-10/31