February 2010

Boss: "I was unaware that I am such an ogre."
-2/3

Coworker A: "How often have you seen Apocalypse Now?"
Coworker B: "Uhhh..."
Coworker C: "Every night!"
Coworker A: "I didn't mean 'how often do you live it'."
-2/3

A: "Make some popcorn!"
B: "You make some popcorn!"
A: "I'm pickin' up poop!"
-2/4

"Not less than a week ago we were drinking whiskey by a Dumpster."
-2/5

"Oh, no. (beat:) Wanna see a picture of Kathy Ireland scrapbooking?"
-2/9

"Boy, this is not a good time to be Amish."
-2/10

"No -- he's a very sophisticated dog."
-2/10

"I think the only reason I know about Santa Maria is you and stabbings."
-2/14

"Is she, like...is it a lesbian, or Macaulay Culkin?"
-2/16

Boss: "Oh, man, I have been burping like crazy!"
-2/16

A: "You know...it's the movie that when people talk about it they say, 'That's the female version of Big Trouble in Little China'?"
B: "The Notebook?"
-2/16

Boss: "Do you know how hard it is for me to be sober during work hours?"
-2/17

Boss: "And, because I'm black, I know how to get tickets."
-2/25

Boss: "I swear to God, if I'm being punk'd, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out, I will beat Ashton Kutcher's ass."
-2/26

"I'll take a human baby over a puppy any day."
-2/28

"He's got three legs and he's tryin' to do the Iditarod?! That would suck!"
-2/28

A: "Was there anything she was good at?"
B: "Sucking!"
-2/28

A: "How's the spitting going?"
B: "Oh, it's fine, now I'm just spitting because there's a bag in front of me."
-2/28

January 2010

"Is that Sally Bowles? Or is that Adam Lambert?"
-1/1

"She's fucking gross. (beat:) Like, there are STDs named after her."
-1/3

A: "I stayed up all night having sex with [Name Expunged]."
B: "No wonder you didn't want to go on the Teacups."
-1/3

A: "She loves Jesus."
B: "Ah...more mangers than Jesus."
-1/7

"I want to throw my panties at her just because she doesn't like it."
-1/22

Re. a new hippie acquiantance:
"Within five minutes he was talkin' about Burning Man."
-1/27

December 2009

Sarcastically:
"What happened to your marvelous sandwich-making?"
-12/14

Child at Disneyland, re. Monstro: "Oh my God, it's an infected whale!"
-12/16

"Mmmm, bandwidth. That's what Santa can get me for Christmas."
-12/17

"I wonder if they sell knives on chains. (beat:) That's a good idea."
-12/21

A: "What's your New Year's resolution?"
B: "To act like a slutty tourist?"
-12/23

"I just said today I wanted to punch a kid in the heart."
-12/23

"You know what?, I have examined a lot of vaginas, and I still don't know exactly where the pee hole is."
-12/23

"Eww, this is gross: 'The Family that Plays Together'."
-12/23

"...about as sexy as a punch in the balls. (beat:) Unless you're into that."
-12/23

A: "What is it about your dad that you don't like?"
B: "Um...him."
-12/23

"You know what?, he is dogmatic, he is lazy...and he wears mock turtlenecks."
-12/23

"But you won't let people lust over your body when you go pee."
-12/23

"You should always have lust in your heart."
-12/23

"A) Who the fuck feeds a cat a hard-boiled egg?!"
-12/23

A: "We've moved to the sexy part of the night."
B: "Cats vomiting hard-boiled eggs."
-12/23

A: "What is that?"
B: "It's the fridge."
A: "Oh. (beat:) It sounds like a duck."
-12/23

"I'm not perfect. I own guns and like to do it in the butt."
-12/25

"Lasagna and strippers...it's your perfect day."
-12/28

November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

October 2009

Boss: "I think I'm friends with a high-class hooker."
-10/2

Re. woman holding a baby:
"Whoa, that lady is so tall she could dunk that baby!"
-10/11

(sigh:) "They just high-fived hating plays."
-10/16

"I feel like he has a mental nipple problem."
-10/16

"You guys, I didn't even know Sudoku had numbers for a while."
-10/16

"Jon saw some guy slappin' his penis on the Walk of Fame."
-10/16

"Well, in essence all vaginas are cul-de-sacs...it just depends on how far you go."
-10/16

"Sociopaths are not dancers, crybaby gays are dancers."
-10/16

A: "No. No. Ballerinas are sociopaths."
--beat--
B: "That's true."
-10/16

"It's funny, I've known you ten years but I'm always thrown off by how sedentary you are."
-10/25

Boss: "A zombie event to benefit brain cancer. How awesome is that?!"
-10/28

"There's more to life than objectifying dogs."
-10/29

September 2009

Boss, on a study that showed monkeys enjoy listening to Metallica: "Don't be so surprised, bitch! Hundred million records sold!"
-9/2

"I am so sick of vampires."
-9/8

"Wow, I never realized how close the words 'pig' and 'pug' are."
-9/12

"All I smell right now is the sizzle...I'm smelling the sound of the sizzle."
-9/12

"Yeah, it looks like it would just die from smallness."
-9/12

"I got licked by a retard."
-9/12

"Do you know pathological liar fags?...No! They're lesbians!"
-9/25

"I like terrorists with snappy names. Zazi!"
-9/29