July 2007

A: "It makes me want to vomit when I smell vomit."
B: "That's why you don't smell carpet!"
-7/1

A: "God!!"
B: "What?"
A: "There's nothing worse than back fat!"
-7/4

A: "What is this?"
B: "Belts…gay-ass belts."
-7/5

"Would it be gay if I was desiring to listen to some Neil Diamond?"
-7/8

"Watch out. That's a big vacuum."
-7/8

"It kinda sounds like a place I want to go -- I picture hot dogs riding horses."
-7/8

Boss: "People don't come to us for fitness! They don't want to know about our fitness."
-7/9

"My job was, keep pushing the big sea lions back in the pool."
-7/9

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
"if I came home to this I would have had me a new pet squirrel!"
-7/10

Straight dude: "He looks just like Lance Armstrong…I thought if I told him that it'd sound like I had a crush on him."
-7/10

"Nine days until you're British!…I need to get some paper."
-7/11

"Wow, wouldn't it be funny if Phyllis Diller died today as well?"
-7/11

"Mmmm hmmm, so I'll let you know when I hear about the haunting."
-7/11

(Gasp:) "I've heard of that gay!!"
-7/11

"Isn't that mean?! She's like a cockfight trainer!"
-7/11

A: "Why is this taking so long?!"
B: "Uhhh…physics?"
-7/11

A: "Are your brother and sister straight?"
B: "Yeah. (beat:) But they're both awesome."
-7/11

A: "I feel like I speak for humanity."
B: "And dogs."
-7/11

"You're like, 'Fuck you, it's not your birthday yet, ya perv!'"
-7/11

A: "I'm gonna find my favorite R.E.M. song!"
B: "You like R.E.M.?"
A: "No."
-7/13

"I love camp cooking! It's so…whatchamacallit…indigenous?"
-7/14

"I could have put together a better Bastille Day with two hours and a trip to Trader Joe's!"
-7/15

Re. World Music show:
A: "So we went to the Hollywood Bowl yesterday."
B: "You did? How was that?"
A: "It was very Mexican!"
-7/16

"I love the seal. I just want to snuggle up with him on a rock."
-7/16

"Oh, did I tell you I'm going to become British on Thursday?"
-7/17

A: "They're like…they're like…dammit, what are those things called?!"
B: "Pigeons?"
A (meekly): "Yes."
-7/18

"He looks like David Lee Roth and Colonel Sanders merged -- on acid -- and performed a wedding!"
-7/18

"You don't have any shorts?!…Lindsay, that is a crime against nature!"
-7/19

"There's all kindsa wildlife…might even see a llama!"
-7/20

"It's so not a good idea to mix alcohol and those giant birds."
-7/20

"I shouldn't have had all that scotch yesterday…I'm feeling a little funky today. Damn cat and damn Jeopardy!"
-7/21

"I'll tell you what. You can throw her a baby shower when she brings the DVD back."
-7/21

A: "There's nothing wrong with this."
B: "Don, this is old people music!!"
-7/21

"I think we all need mood stabilizers. (beat:) I like your shoes."
-7/24

"You know what I have noticed about Vicki…she likes to use logos."
-7/25

Re. George Foreman:
"Oh no!!…he's still alive?"
-7/25

A: "I can't handle this kind of dancing."
B: "I know, me too."
A: "Doesn't it just seem like spoken word…in movement?"
-7/26

"Eeeeww! White men past their prime should not be singing funk music."
-7/26

A: "I kinda think the Ronstadt was hot."
B: "I kinda think Kenny Loggins was hot when he was on coke."
-7/26

"I don't understand how Meat Loaf's a real thing. He's like a projection of a Neanderthal onto the future."
-7/26

A: "Fraggle Rock?"
B: "Film noir."
-7/28

"You gotta give 'em the B of the D. When someone sends you a picture like that, you gotta give 'em the B of the D. Unless they've got a creepy moustache or something."
-7/28

A: "Yeah, you kinda look like a drug addict with that flag draped over you."
B: "Yeah, and my Josie & the Pussycats poster?"
-7/28

A: "Cat litter and postcards?"
B: "Pretty much."
A: "Sweet!"
B: "Yep -- speaks pretty loudly of my life."
-7/29

"You can go to my grandparents' ranch and ride any bull you want."
-7/29

"Oh no, Ranger. Ranger was the best, 'cause he was a thug Aunt Jemima."
-7/29

"We've already heard ribald tales of cheese on women."
-7/29

Pam: "I'm gonna hunt British Pam down and kill her."
-7/29

"This sounds like it's off the Ghostbusters soundtrack…and I mean that lovingly."
-7/29

"I was like, 'Maybe it doesn't look dainty, maybe I just look like a brute!'"
-7/31

June 2007

"There's a certain amount of kitsch value to country music -- that's what I love about it. But it's not all chicken dance and lovin' your cousins!"
-6/1

"He's already moshing on a couch...shit!"
-6/2

A: "We should start a punk mandolin band."
-beat-
B: "We'd need an accordian player."
-6/3

"No...that's totally cheesy. That's like having a sports bar."
-6/3

"Try to find something new to make me rage about. I can't handle the McGriddle anymore."
-6/5

"Why would Tinkerbell be in her butt?!...Why?!"
-6/5

"Are you at a stopping point? Because I have something to report about my smelly feet."
-6/6

"It doesn't smell like sweaty feet! It smells like popcorn!"
-6/6

A: "I used to live on a dairy."
B: "Really?"
A: "Well...yes and no."
-6/8

(Contented sigh:) "There's something about chemicals...or sunshine!"
-6/8

"Yeah, every summer it was someone I knew havin' to pee on themselves."
-6/8

"I had a nap...I had a gallon of iced tea...I need to get a melon today!!"
-6/9

A: "Will Banerbird and Stegosaurus be okay with the tangerine?"
B: "I don't know about Stegosaurus, but the devil will!"
-6/9

A: "Yeah, I don't know why he doesn't like you."
B: "I don't either! I've been fuckin' playin' nice with that motherfucker!"
-6/9

(On phone:) "What if he left your mom for a black woman?"
-6/9

"I looked as close to shit as I could have...without being hung over!"
-6/9

"Isn't this awesome?! It's so, like, Taylor Dayne...but disco."
-6/9

A: "You're not superstitious, are you?"
B: "Yeah -- but look at this shovel."
-6/10

A: "Can you count really quick?"
B: "I can -- not autistic quick, but I can count pretty quick."
-6/10

"Not only do I have Rent-a-Baby, but I get paid to rent a baby."
-6/11

"I'm so excited about my new organized bag!!"
-6/11

"I think I'm, like, equally excited about my woman-wallet."
-6/11

"I'm sorry, Christina Aguilera can sang, with an A!"
-6/13

"No, it's okay -- I was thinking of how to apologize for my yoga."
-6/13

A: "Yeah, I hate that bitch!"
B: "Yeah...but I can't be mean because she's an old hag!"
-6/13

A (reading aloud): " 'The next day it was official: I had a man who loved me. I was filled with excitement, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. It was as if a part of me that had been missing had been found.' "
B: "Is it Jesus?"
A: "No. Mike Tyson."
-6/15

"I feel, like, how dorks feel when they first find out about Lord of the Rings."
-6/18

"...So now I have to expand my imaginary pets to include Nomi Malone and my miniature donkey Aaron Neville."
-6/18

"So, between Tanya Tucker and Aaron Neville it was an hour of my life waiting to see what the donkey of my dreams looks like."
-6/18

"It's because they're self-contained! Sandwiches and tacos! I love it."
-6/18

"Ooohh! Look at Mrs. Peacock...she's fuckin' refined!"
-6/19

"I mean, if they have enough time to walk around on stilts, they gotta be gay, right?"
-6/19

"She's such a loser -- I love her!"
-6/19

A: "So maybe people will befriend me!"
B: "Yeah. But you won't get any."
A: "GOOD!"
-6/19

A: "These Wavy Lays are a hit!"
B: "I know, I need them in my life!"
-6/19

"Why did that come in a package, is it full of, like, heroin?"
-6/19

"The first thing he did was bite me, that's how I knew...he was my dog."
-6/19

"Those are my memories of New York. Pubes and room service."
-6/19

Re. Professor Plum:
A: "He is an intellectual."
B: "An intellectual Mary. Bottom."
-6/19

"I'm not of any Celtic descent...but I liked the kilt, 'cause it allowed me to get in fights."
-6/20

Re. iguana:
"As much as he creeps me out...he fascinates me."
-6/21

"For a while, my brother had a side business of selling reptiles. I never saw one...I guess I would always visit in between lizards."
-6/21

"I'm eating a donut! Please don't show me that dog."
-6/22

"It's hard to find a donkey that's not centered, with room for a fish."
-6/22

A: "How are those casseroles coming?"
B: "They're gonna be fuckin' crazy, man!"
-6/22

A: "Eat the watermelon!"
B: "I'm not eatin' the fuckin' watermelon!"
-6/22

"I could make a bow and arrow from scratch...and not just a rinky-dink bow and arrow, one you could actually kill things with."
-6/22

A (incredulously): "He was muscle-y?!"
B: "He's gay."
-6/23

A: "They weren't nuns, they were teachers!"
B: "Same thing...ladies hangin' out."
-6/23

"Like, why?! What did you do to make her so mad that she made you put away her vegetable peeler?"
-6/23

"Oh my God, she's an unknowing Scientologist!"
-6/23

"You titillate the Japanese in me when you get miniature stuff."
-6/23

"Ohhh, I would be all over that shit!...in theory."
-6/23

"I actually think, in a way, Thomas Paine was just a big asshole."
-6/23

"Ooohh! I love sheet protectors! I used to buy them in bulk."
-6/23

"Yeah. Opaque. 'Cause it's classier."
-6/23

"I used to love the Costco stationery center. I would just go and stare."
-6/23

"That's the name of the game to me, is 'My Hands Hurt And People Are Laughing At Me'."
-6/23

"I think we're raving about it because we had such low expectations, you know?"
-6/23

Excitedly:
"Oh man - I can see a tractor from here!"
-6/24

"I think if I had one more drink I could wake up in a ditch...in Thailand."
-6/24

"Okay -- so one's a Jedi knight and one's Darth Vader...they're the same, you know?"
-6/24

A: "Do you want a flashlight pen?"
B: "Why do you ask?"
A: "...Just curious."
-6/25

Coworker shouting across office: "Tim, Iraq still isn't over, do you want me to wait or cut and paste?"
-6/27

"We had a really cool Homecoming assembly -- I transcribed the choreography to Captain EO."
-6/27

"Oh. My. God. Warmy is, like, lighting me on fire."
-6/28

"I don't like Winchell's. (thoughtful pause:) No...out of all the donut places in the world, Winchell's is my second favorite."
-6/30

"Honey, I wasn't lookin' for pot -- I'm talkin' about segregation!"
-6/30

May 2007

"So I'm realizing that small children are the vessels for my subconscious doubts and fears."
-5/1

Outraged Coworker: "What is bouncing this building?!?"
-5/1

"Come and talk to me, I'm in a bad neighborhood in my head."
-5/4

A: "Did you pee?"
B: "Yeah."
A: "How was it?"
B: "It was disgusting!"
A: "Did you hover?"
B: "Yeah, I hovered like I never hovered before!"
-5/6

A: "There's no way we're getting out of here without seeing the shack with the t-shirts!"
B: "Yeah...hello!"
-5/6

"Split pea soup is their, like, Statue of Liberty."
-5/6

"The only thing keeping you from being a full-on pothead is hand-eye coordination."
-5/6

"Squirt 'n curry...you can drink 'em both."
-5/6

"Lindsay, I have this theory that there are a lot of diabetic Irish people...like, because of all the potatoes."
-5/7

"Potatoes fuck you up!"
-5/7

A: "Well, you do hate gay people."
B: "It's true. I hate drag queens, I hate music..."
-5/7

"Aren't they incredible?! You know...it really does make you want an otter...for a friend."
-5/9

"Poor Paris...I'm starting to feel sorry for her in the way I started to feel sorry for Saddam Hussein."
-5/9

"What you're saying is it's more acceptable to like a calculating monster than a hot retard?"
-5/9

Boss on phone: "Oh my God, Mom, it was crazy! It was like...crazy gay gypsies or something."
-5/10

"I've been to a couple of weddings and a couple of rodeos, and I've never been to a wedding that didn't have cake!"
-5/12

"That has changed my life, that experience. I no longer want anything to do with cold and feet."
-5/13

"Well, I deal with crystaly okay...I have a yoga teacher and a Pilates teacher."
-5/13

"Hey Pam, my dad wants to write 'The Wonder Years' and 'Law & Order'."
-5/13

"Yeah -- that's good. I mean...there's a lot of weird stuff on TV."
-5/13

"I wish I was a lesbian. I'd get so much done! I don't think they sleep."
-5/14

"A lot of people thought Lincoln was a dick. But I love Lincoln!"
-5/14

An instant messenger chat excerpt:
A: they were dressed in outfits made of plastic bags.
B: like homeless people?
A: more like...nymphs??
-5/14

"I don't know what to do! It sucks! Because it's kind of itchy and hurty at the same time."
-5/14

"She says she has a tent we can borrow if we want. She says it's cool, nature's all up in her grill all the time...and she likes it."
-5/14

"It's nice though, it's not too out-of-control. I mean, it's not like rainforest-style or anything."
-5/14

"You may have hummed to yourself as a child, but you ain't goin' to no doll store now!"
-5/14

"Oh my God, you would be an awesome librarian!!"
-5/15

"Are you kidding?! That's hideous!! No one should be in a movie with Nicolas Cage!"
-5/15

"First of all, Tenny, I know you're not retarded. You're an excellent baker."
-5/16

"I always thought I'd be excited to see parrots in the wild. Not so much...it was kinda boring."
-5/16

Re. Jaslene being crowned America's Next Top Model:
"I can't...uuuurghh! I kinda want to barf on ANTM right now."
-5/16

"Sexton was pretty scary, but poop couch?!"
-5/16

"Sorry (shrug)...I was just trying to say we suck, that's all."
-5/16

"I'm just realizing right now that I have Rent-a-Baby!!"
-5/16

A: "He has a Hitchcock or Boris Yeltsin face?!"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "And he's an infant?!"
B: "Yeah!...that looks like an old man!"
-5/16

"...so he has a reasonably good chance of growing out of the Boris Yeltsin thing?"
-5/16

"You see 'Boobooski' and you think...oh...oh...is he a Ghostmeister?"
-5/16

"How can you --? You say 'David Spade' and all you can think of is his face and his hair!"
-5/16

"...it's kinda neat though, we have a common bond...gas issues."
-5/16

"It's very unprofessional, I think. Like, if you're an agent...and that's your ringtone...and you're not Latina?"
-5/16

Re. Paul Shaffer:
A: "He's a tool!"
B: "He's such a tool."
A: "He's like...the eraser on a pencil."
-5/17

A: "Grandmas, gardeners, granola eaters and little kids. That's who will be there."
B (excitedly): "That sounds like the most nonthreatening crowd ever!!"
-5/19

"Just look at him...and his cocksucking hair!"
-5/19

Re. actors' short bios in play programs:
"Well, yeah, but these are people who realize that they're not Abraham Lincoln."
-5/19

Re. Bibi the cat:
"No, she's no Flea, she doesn't like car rides. (beat:) I took Lindsay for a ride though."
-5/19

A (incredulously): "He painted a vagina flame?!"
B: "I don't know...maybe he is that gay."
-5/19

A: "He sounds like Kermit!"
B: "I know!"
A: "...Gaaaaaay Kermit."
-5/19

"But it makes me so mad!...Lesbians are gay!"
-5/19

A: "I was sooooo wrong."
B: "What?"
A: "The beer-pong-table-builder guy? Not gay."
-5/19

"What if you become the best harmonica player in the world?...like, better than people in jail?"
-5/20

"I mean, the sky's the limit. If it involves a blowtorch and a baby...we'll figure it out."
-5/20

Re. horseback riding:
"Your ass will hurt, but you'll love it!"
-5/20

A: "Your gut is on fire!...in a good way."
B: "And in a bad way."
A: "Why is that?"
B: "I had pasta."
-5/20

"You can get trout a lot of places. I'm fairly confident I can get ahold of some trout."
-5/20

Re. PBS documentary about show cats:
"I was like, Bitch!...like I'd scream across the house for anything less than Standards of Perfection."
-5/20

"Well...I think evil outweighs astrology."
-5/22

"It's cool...my metal is, like, bouncy."
-5/22

"Well, it's more like...like a drive-by stick-it-in."
-5/22

A (incredulously): "Is he gay?!"
B: "...and is that Tara Reid?"
-5/22

Coworker A: "He told me they did it! But they didn't!"
Coworker B: "He told you they did it but they didn't?! Are they high?"
-5/23

"I think you just do that when you're older -- like, you start to like smooth jazz."
-5/23

A: "That's something I don't know how to do."
B: "What?"
A: "Not share things."
-beat-
B: "I do!"
-5/23

A: "What's happening for your birthday?"
B: "Thirty-one?! Isn't that when you're supposed to jump off a fuckin' bridge 'cause it's so boring?!"
-5/24

"Jake, is that a sea otter in your bed?"
-5/24

"I've never heard anyone flirt like this...it was like the Discovery Channel."
-5/24

"If you saw me with my hair brushed you'd know what I mean. It's not a good scene. I look like a lawyer or something."
-5/24

"I'm kind of an anarchist, but I still like corn."
-5/25

"My mom...we've always described her as the black Erica Kane."
-5/25

"It is like we're married. We have no physical relationship. You give me crap. And you tried to stab me with a fork."
-5/25

Boss Lady (re. preparing food for a potluck): "I need a wife! Pam's been telling us that for years!"
-5/25

"Do you know anyone who has a dolly?...I mean, do you know if Pam and Sarah have a dolly?"
-5/26

"Yup!...Fourteen grams of coke was in my vagina."
-5/26

"Really?! Do I look like a major wiener, like I'm driving a Geo Metro? Do they just not see me?...I don't understand what's happening!"
-5/26

"I couldn't find anything! I'm really disappointed in my Googling skills."
-5/26

A: "I hate carryin' shit so bad!"
B: "I do too. 'Cause gravity's always fuckin' with you."
-5/26

A: "But it's NASCAR and chickens!"
B: (tsssk) Lindsay, when have you ever liked NASCAR and chickens?!"
-5/26

"Like, even before I do it, I hate myself...you know what I mean?"
-5/26

"...and I love cats and I hate men...God I'm so typical!"
-5/26

"Sorry, Lindsay, I'm not trying to rain on your Cyndi Lauper parade...I'm just trying to understand it."
-5/26

"I love funky ethnic sounds!...it must be a gay thing."
-5/29

Re. Teri Hatcher:
"She is so gross!...I bet her vagina smells really bad."
-5/29

A: "What are you doing tonight?"
B (holding up bowl of ice cream): "This is it!"
-5/30

A: "You feel like a stockbroker when you're alone?"
B: "No -- I feel like the stock has crashed when I'm alone."
-5/30

"...I saw ice cream in his hand and I was like, 'Oh shit, now what am I gonna do?!'"
-5/31

"She's gonna want a new iPod that doesn't have mouse urine on it."
-5/31

A: "What system?"
B: "The System, Lindsay...just try to lower yourself to a hippie mindset for just a minute."
-5/31

April 2007

"I don't like it when people are needy and then tell me I'm awesome."
-4/4

Receptionist at the Braille Institute, on phone: "I'm sorry, what was your name again?"
Masaki: "Masaki."
Receptionist: (laughter) "That's a funny name..." (more laughter)
Masaki: "And you are?"
Receptionist: "Oh, I'm Mr. Quackenbush."
-4/4

"I need to get a chinchilla one day. Like, when there's enough room to have the snake and the chinchilla in separate rooms."
-4/7

"See, this is what makes me a bad Jew. I...I don't make good purchases."
-4/7

A: "I didn't know there were French rappers.
-beat-
B: "Let me introduce you to World Music."
-4/7

"Reconstructive memory's a bitch!!...why am I defending Dido's drummer?!"
-4/8

"It was more of a cookie than anything I've ever seen...I mean, except for other cookies."
-4/8

Re. colorblindness:
"So what does weed look like to him normally?!...probably a cookie!"
-4/8

Re. Label-On-Postcard:
"It's making me an old lady quicker than I want to be."
-4/8

A: "Just...blame it on Mars."
B: "What?!"
A: "Mars is the fiery red planet that rules me...and makes me crazy!"
-4/10

"Why do you like Gollum so much?! Why are you always defending him when I rip him an asshole?!"
-4/10

Re. Sally Field:
A: "You just don't think about her."
B: "Unless you're thinking about Steel Magnolias."
A: "Or...Widget?"
-4/11

"Sorry, sorry!...I was trying to affectionately touch you."
-4/11

"Blair's like a ninety-year-old man. She's like the Dalai Lama."
-4/12

"I miss Hugh Downs. (beat:) Is he dead?"
-4/13

"...but not Russell Crowe! Not Russell Crowe. He is...he is a pile of beef stew, that's all he is."
-4/13

"I just feel that pimp suits in other times didn't have such big shoulder pads."
-4/13

"Don't get hot and bothered again, we have to eat dinner."
-4/16

"I don't know what to say. (beat:) I will say that my grandparents bought a Prius."
-4/17

"This Lite ice cream really does have half the fat and all the taste!"
-4/17

"McRory is like...Big Toe with arms!"
-4/21

A: "Did I make a grammatical mistake?"
-beat-
B: "I'm not sure. But it was funny the way I interpreted it."
-4/21

While listening to Joanna Newsom's Ys:
A: "Tom, are you high right now?"
-beat-
B: "Not enough."
-4/21

"I don't know, I'm just about to kiss my fucking brother-in-law...with a Samurai ponytail!"
-4/21

Re. Jeff Buckley:
"He's like Joan Baez at the Olympics."
-4/21

A: "Is it the croissant of meat?"
B: "Yeah, it's pompous."
-4/21

A: "I just don't like the words 'Philly Cheesesteak'."
B: "Why?"
-beat:-
A: "I think it's the 'Philly' that throws me off."
-4/24

A: "I think I've made my point."
B: "Whatever, Linds, I'm the one who compressed that burp!"
-4/24

"If it has made its way to reality TV, it is happenin' in the heartlands."
-4/24

"Imagine if Prince was a chick. (beat:) She would be so fuckin' crazy!"
-4/24

Thoughtfully, re. Munchos:
"I don't really like Pringles that much. (pause:) These at least have their own shape."
-4/25

A (accusingly): "Have you had Monster today?!"
B: "No!...I'm just excited to be talking about comics."-4/27

"Justin is gaaaay...either gay or a womanizer."
-4/28

"This place is, like, full of uncomfortable textures."
-4/29

March 2007

Re. woodworking book:
"Awesome!…it talks all about wood!"
-3/3

"Did I tell you that?…last night was our 50th anniversary, that's why we had to shoot Abraham Lincoln."
-3/3

"God!…do you ever think about the fact that Sharon Stone has kids?!!"
-3/7

"Google does not like sarcasm."
-3/9

A: "Deborah?"
B: "Yeah?"
-pause-
A: "Now can we talk about Scarlett Johansson?"
-3/9

Wistfully, re. Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese:
"I thought they were soooo cute together."
-3/10

Re. Lily Allen:
"I like her as a poet, a publicist, and a career strategist."
-3/10

A: "What are you talking about, Tom?"
B: "That I hate my mom?"
A: "Why?"
B: "Ummm…television?"
-3/10

A: "Guess what, I just got my first west African --"
B: "-- Nigerian spam scam?"
A: "I'm so excited!"
-3/12

Re. spate of whale attacks:
"They're just sick of people. Across the board, cetaceans have given up on people, and they're done."
-3/13

A: "We went to Buca de Beppo with them."
B: "Eeeeeww, don't you hate that place?!"
A: "I had never been there before."
-beat-
B: "Well, don't you now?"
-3/13

Re. digital photo preview:
"It's actually not that bad. I look shocked, but not unattractive."
-3/16

"I'm tired of being fucked over in this city! I got no women, no band…all I got is two wily-ass kitties."
-3/19

"I'm dressed up -- I'm wearing purple and aqua."
-3/19

A (defensively): "I like V-necks!"
B: "I do too! But if you're a man...and you always wear V-necks...then you are a scumbag!"
-3/21

Re. Alex Trebek:
"Tom worships the guy. (beat:) 'Cause his English is, like, perfect."
-3/24

Straight man, asked if another man is attractive: "Mmmm…In my hypothetical gay, he's just not my type."
-3/24

Re. downtown L.A.:
"You can buy anything down here…a liver, a kidney…"
-3/29

"Dammit, I hate you Snapple!...but I love your facts."
-3/30

February 2007

"Maybe we should have a general fund for chocolate."
-2/1

"Isn't the movie a straight porn with gay actors...and singing instead of sex?"
-2/4

Creepily serious:
"Leashes are great!"
-2/4

A: "Honey, we're gonna see Music & Lyrics."
B (resignedly): "I know."
-2/5

"Ooohh!!! Sea turtles!!! So cute!!!...oh wait, is that a sea turtle?"
-2/8

"She's like a living dinosaur! Like a living...kind of glamorous...dinosaur."
-2/8

"I hate medium...it's so hard!"
-2/12

"Just look at her face! She has, like, an oil tanker with her name on it!"
-2/12

"I was like, what?! What does that mean?!...But then I saw it, and I was like, 'Wow, that really was next-level hand puppetry!!' "
-2/14

"Come here, kitty, I want to look at your genitals!"
-2/15

"Lindsay, I'm addicted to sushi!...I'm starting to think it's a problem."
-2/15

Boss shouting across office: "Everyone can have M&Ms except for Michael!"
-2/16

"I think I'm gonna tell...I'm gonna tell a story of revenge. A Christmas story of revenge."
-2/16

"Uh, no flaming skull, just him looking really pensive with a bad haircut. (beat:) In the mist, though."
-2/16

"God damn polar bears, hell yeah!"
-2/16

"I'm doing some major cleaning tomorrow, by the way. I'm gonna be here with labels and kitties, so some things are gonna be taken care of."
-2/18

"It's not supposed to be like this!...It's supposed to make farting sounds, but it got wet."
-2/20

"We're all, like, scrambling to be disappointed."
-2/21

"This is everything wrong with this, distilled into one ninety-pound ball of hair."
-2/23

"There's big news on the light bulb front!"
-2/23

Two girls re. an embellished vintage sweater:
A: "I like the cloud, the cloud's my favorite part."
B: "That's like a mushroom."
A (excitedly): "Yeah, it's like a mushroom!"
-2/24

Shouted at TV screen during Oscar pre-show:
"You're the most boring gay e-ver!"
-2/25

"I don't know if she's a waitress, or one of those people who greets people at the door...'cause she's, like, retarded."
-2/26