February 2008

"I didn't hit your skullbone...or head...or I guess, just skull."
-2/3

"There's no variety! Ya got apples, ya got bananas -- big effin' deal!"
-2/4

"Yeah, that big-ass TV and I can't tell if that lion is coming or going."
-2/10

A: "Now don't you want an owl?"
B: "Yeah. Too bad it's illegal!"
-2/10

"I still think he looks kinda goofy. He looks kinda Family Matters, you know?"
-2/10

Outraged:
"She is Storm -- Mistress of the Elements! It's not like (beat:) -- she doesn't cure AIDS!"
-2/12

"I don't want to give my kid no lobster-claw syndrome!"
-2/13

"I love this girl!...she wanted nothing to do with me!"
-2/18

"Boy, you are giving curly hair and vests a bad name!"
-2/19

"Never lie to a transexual!"
-2/21

"...He's always flustered...like, gay flustered...all the time!"
-2/22

A: The Lord was cockblocking you?!
B: Sure! It's in the Bible!
-2/27

Earnestly:
I love it that you can see things and you know what they are.
-2/28

January 2008

"I'm like a magician...for dogs."
-1/3

"There's no such thing as platonic dick-grazing!"
-1/9

"Yeah, somebody's processing -- or in this case, cockblocking -- it."
-1/16

"Let me tell you one other thing about these people. They're crazy about bicycling."
-1/17

"I hate these inappropriate pants!!"
-1/17

"How do you meet a guy named Alf and not say that you enjoyed his earlier work?"
-1/23

"Yeah, I hope to pee for a good hundred yards in heaven."
-1/28

"Kiss my ass with the master plan!! Build some bungalows!!"
-1/29

"You wanna see Judge Judy?! She's on every day from three to four."
-1/29

"Just imagine for a second that you never even knew about balls."
-1/31

A: "I'm going to lay down for a while...but it's been a pleasure talking about balls with you."
B: "Always."
-1/31

December 2007

"Here's the problem...they're not particularly attractive."
-12/3

"Yeah, I'm a big fan of the basics, you know? Caramel, fudge..."
-12/4

"I hope she coughs up some blood!"
-12/5

A: "Just stand there and look cute."
B: "Okay, can I pee first?"
-12/7

A: "Nuns don't get kissed."
B: "Sure they do."
A: "By Jesus!"
-12/9

Re. onion soup:
A: "Would it have that creamy stuff on top?"
B: "Cheese?"
-beat-
A: "Yeah."
-12/13

A: "There's the Goodyear blimp!"
B: "Indeed."
A: "Let's fuck with it!"
-12/15

"I do not like my Christmas music to be about Jesus!"
-12/17

"It's not that it's bad. It's just that it tastes like when I vomit...it up."
-12/18

"What?! He is a walking STD, just look at his goatee!"
-12/18

A: "He's like the bastard child of Prince and Carmen Electra."
B: "So he married his mom?"
-12/18

"Lindsay, these dogs are wack. I mean, the left and the right."
-12/18

"I mean, they're separate but unified in their wackness."
-12/18

"I know a good mambo and a good shaman, and they can fix it right up."
-12/18

"He's sweet when you restrain him."
-12/18

"Check it out! Doesn't it look like...Werewolf Leg?"
-12/18

"I didn't mean to say you're retarded...I just didn't understand how intense it was."
-12/18

"Oh, man!! This guy's a goldmine of douchebaggery!"
-12/19

An instant message chat transcript excerpt:
So you're looking for books, I'm looking for chainsaws
we are the PERFECT shopping buddies!!!!!
-12/21

A: "...So you brought over to this apartment Boggle, a roll of toilet paper, mushrooms and a Christmas stocking?"
B: "Mmm hmm...and vanilla."
-12/21

"If I see My Little Ponies in your possession I will flip out."
-12/22

"I guess you don't get much more casual than cuttin' mushrooms in your underwear."
-12/25

"I love that song!...I like songs that sound like trains."
-12/25

"So P.S., there are no toe socks in all of Los Angeles."
-12/25

A: "His hands are, like, immaculate."
B: "Really?"
A: "Yeah. The man moisturizes."
-12/31

November 2007

"I feel like I'm in a competition with you...I don't feel like I'm in a competition with Lexie because she's clearly a robot."
-11/5

"I feel like Luka does need rescuing from these pincher-poker people."
-11/5

Re. aggressive anal sex:
"I feel like it would only be polite to offer crack at that point."
-11/5

"...so I think I understand where he was coming from...but he totally ruined that squirrel's life."
-11/5

"He has become the old lady he once mocked."
-11/5

"...No, you would be violating your own civil rights."
-11/5

"I feel like that was a creepy laugh...but there's a hamburger on this cat."
-11/10

"Leaving there I felt like I had just had sex...but without the guilt."
-11/11

"I've got this Chinese box that smells like old people."
-11/11

"Dude, if you're magnetizing the Jamaicans, you know that shit's cute!"
-11/12

A: "Do you remember owning a spur?"
B: "Not since high school."
-11/17

"The world is safe for democracy again...and dogs in cars!"
-11/19

"I didn't say she was gripping it in her vagina walls! (laughter:) Sorry I spit chip on you."
-11/20

"Seems like someone's always talkin' about Rilo Kiley and someone's always defensive."
-11/22

A: "How do you Photoshop coke?!"
-beat-
B: "You can Photoshop coke!"
-11/22

A: "Who brought the Foreman Grill?!"
B: "It's Jim's."
A: "Okay. (beat:) I'm a terrible person."
-11/22

"I'm an anxious yuppie, I realized...I'm still surprised I'm not a Jew."
-11/22

"It's not boring, it's different...you know how I like to make fun of things that are different."
-11/22

"I feel like I need a wheelbarrow for my stomach."
-11/22

"Nobody wants a penis with stuffing in it."
-11/22

"What is the War of 1812?...something I should know?"
-11/22

"Well, you don't get him to love you by walking like Frankenstein!"
-11/22

"I'm just stating the facts. I'm not making a sexist remark...you're the one who was saying you're jealous of a dog lickin' his balls."
-11/22

A: "Is he gay?"
B: "British."
-11/22

"Sorry, you guys, I totally failed. (beat:) I couldn't find my cowbell or my kazoo."
-11/23

"You're like a rowboat made of steel."
-11/24

"All right, I'll meet the goddamn baby!!"
-11/30

"Babymamma drama for real!...but without the baby."
-11/30

October 2007

Re. online jeans shopping:
"These cheap Monday skinnies are not unisex!"
-10/5

"She's in Dubai?!...it's like the Amelie dwarf!"
-10/5

"Sounds like the Chipmunks in a swordfight!"
-10/5

"Oh my gosh!...rapping robots started a fight!"
-10/5

"Crap!...here I am drunk, trying to explain physics."
-10/6

Re. office holiday party:
"You go in there...you've got that gift exchange. It's like you're walking into a funeral."
-10/9

A: "I think it's just something she likes to do when she's bored."
B: "Wheeze?"
A: "Hack."
-10/12

"...and in my head I was like, 'Oh my God, we just broke up in my head.'"
-10/13

On phone:
A (Pacific time): "It's very late there."
B (Eastern time): "Yes, and I have to get up for my trapeze class in the morning."
-10/13

"Eating this fruit without looking at it is so much easier."
-10/14

"She's like...a nonfunny Margaret Cho."
-10/17

"His opinions and values are the lowest common denominator of humanity...I'd love to stomp him in a street fight!"
-10/17

"Come closer...I'm gonna fuck you up!"
-10/17

A: "I love that...walls breathing."
B: "I've had enough of walls breathing!"
-10/17

"...he sent out a MySpace thing, and it was Jesus doing a beer bong, and I was like, 'That's not really classy.'"
-10/18

"...very tall girls with a country attitude-- that's what I saw."
-10/18

Re. heating bill:
"I mean, that's what I was thinking about, I wasn't thinking about...cocks."
-10/19

A: "Oh my God! I might have to break up with Courtney!"
B: "What?"
A: "India.Arie."
-10/19

"It's like breakin' the fourth wall...in sculpture."
-10/19

A: "Is that the creepy gnome?"
B: "The one that looks like it's masturbating?"
A: (nods)
B: "Yeah."
-10/19

"That girl consumed more ranch than anyone I've ever seen!"
-10/19

"Whoa, whoa, whoa...is this Seal?!"
-10/19

"...but if I was a teacher I would have to wear chunky jewelry!"
-10/19

"Cybill Shepherd is a poor man's Murphy Brown!"
-10/20

"Can I say something funny about meth?"
-10/20

"You cannot tell if an Asian lesbian is a guy or a girl."
-10/20

"Awww, well he thinks it's cute, but I think it's disgusting!"
-10/20

"Okay, why the F would you even consider putting breastmilk in your coffee?!"
-10/21

A: "So is she like a serious top?"
B: "No, more like a kid in a candy store."
-10/21

"Bubble's in Parliament, y'all!"
-10/21

"Hey! You know what?! You get the Little Rascals out of your head!"
-10/22

"Eww...poop goes in the toilet, an outhouse or on the ground!"
-10/24

"I don't think they were actual lesbians...they were just old ladies."
-10/24

"I can't believe you pantsed your date. Who does that?!"
-10/24

"Lindsay, it's too early. If I can't think about the D-Zone I can't think about abortion."
-10/27

"Yeah, he does kinda look like Jake...but only if Jake was more Asian."
-10/27

"I had to throw that penis in 'cause everyone else was."
-10/28

"...I mean, they're just tiny people...it's not like their penis has gangrene or something."
-10/28

September, 2006

"Jupiter is not aligned with Mars but your vagina is."
-9/1

A: "How's that rollin' up your pants going?"
B: "It's pretty fun, actually!"
-9/1

"You're gonna ask Pam for advice about the belt, or Hitler?"
-9/7

A: "Do you think I'm going to hell for that?"
B: "No!! Hitler's in my Top 8!!"
-9/7

"That's a good attitude, pal...Hey, put that cookie down!!"
-9/8

"Roseanne is Roseanne, but when she had children she was fuckin' Roseanne, you know?"
-9/8

A: "Somethin' about little boys going on adventures."
B: "She does love little boys going on adventures."
-9/8

"My mom had this friend who was just like her-- only older and fatter, but just like her."
-9/8

"Then I thought it was Lindsay, but then I thought, 'No way, there was way too much effort put into this profile.' "
-9/8

"My Fair Lady! It's gay in a homosexual way."
-9/9

A: "What's the redhead's name?"
B: "Annie Potts."
A: "You mean your left boob?"
B: "Yes."
-9/9

"So it started out as a feminist issue and then it became about pigs."
-9/11

While reading a contract:
Boss: "It says 'pruning as needed,' but that says 'shaving of the pineapple'. It can't be the same thing!"
-9/11

A: "Remember Maureen said bring good-luck charms to work?"
B: "What?"
C: "She said she's gonna bust out some rosary beads and a Mary."
-9/12

"Dare I ask, though? I don't know if I could even handle a big ball of dough right now."
-9/12

"That is a great find, and I would so rock it if it didn't smell like armpit."
-9/16

"Come on! We are so considerate! I'm over this."
-9/16

"Oh, that's what I meant-- a sled dog, not a horse."
-9/16

"Whatever, you guys all said Louis Armstrong just because he's black."
-9/16

A: "You do have toothpicks?"
B: "Of course, I use them to test my cakes!"
-9/20

"I guess so. But there's a part of stampeding that I'm, like, really against."
-9/20

"Domesticated role-playing games?! Lame!"
-9/20

"I have to show you some pictures of my cats. I am that person."
-9/22

"Oh, yeah, I was going to online-order. Because it's so much easier than dealing with a human."
-9/22

"How would you describe flan?...It looks like creme brulee but it tastes like butt."
-9/22

"Shut up! I hate you and I hate the way you move your hands when you talk!"
-9/22

"So then I was thinking, don't boy cats have teats? Or am I just thinking of men?"
-9/24

A: "But Lindsay, you have to ask yourself this: do you really want a bead curtain?"
B: "No."
A: "Exactly."
-9/24

On phone:
"Well, Max is a great guy. Charles is a great guy, too. It's all going to come down to how you feel. (pause:) Yes, it is just like 'Two Princes' by the Spin Doctors."
-9/25

"Yes. The name of the printer is Shalom Printing. (beat:) He's vegan."
-9/26

"Well, you wouldn't be scared if I wasn't here rustling this paper!"
-9/26

"Perhaps not in this situation, but I know I'm correct."
-9/26

"Lindsay, in a few years from now, we'll come back to this conversation-- and you tell me Joe Schmoe Thai Guy isn't crazy."
-9/26

A: "Is that weird?"
B: "Yeah!"
A: "Why?"
-pause-
B: "You like dog shows!"
-9/26