November 2009

Boss: "Wanna know how many hookers I pass when I run at night?"
-11/9

"His face looks like unbaked dough."
-11/15

"Nothing says 'I love you, Mom' like a bottle of liquor."
-11/19

"I didn't mean to call Adam Lambert gay."
-11/24

"Who's up for some charred human remains?"
-11/25

October 2009

Boss: "I think I'm friends with a high-class hooker."
-10/2

Re. woman holding a baby:
"Whoa, that lady is so tall she could dunk that baby!"
-10/11

(sigh:) "They just high-fived hating plays."
-10/16

"I feel like he has a mental nipple problem."
-10/16

"You guys, I didn't even know Sudoku had numbers for a while."
-10/16

"Jon saw some guy slappin' his penis on the Walk of Fame."
-10/16

"Well, in essence all vaginas are cul-de-sacs...it just depends on how far you go."
-10/16

"Sociopaths are not dancers, crybaby gays are dancers."
-10/16

A: "No. No. Ballerinas are sociopaths."
--beat--
B: "That's true."
-10/16

"It's funny, I've known you ten years but I'm always thrown off by how sedentary you are."
-10/25

Boss: "A zombie event to benefit brain cancer. How awesome is that?!"
-10/28

"There's more to life than objectifying dogs."
-10/29

September 2009

Boss, on a study that showed monkeys enjoy listening to Metallica: "Don't be so surprised, bitch! Hundred million records sold!"
-9/2

"I am so sick of vampires."
-9/8

"Wow, I never realized how close the words 'pig' and 'pug' are."
-9/12

"All I smell right now is the sizzle...I'm smelling the sound of the sizzle."
-9/12

"Yeah, it looks like it would just die from smallness."
-9/12

"I got licked by a retard."
-9/12

"Do you know pathological liar fags?...No! They're lesbians!"
-9/25

"I like terrorists with snappy names. Zazi!"
-9/29

August 2009

A: "Are they hippie bells?"
B: "Sorta...I think they're Tibetan."
-8/1

"Well, I do know where you live...and I want to see your rat run around in that ball."
-8/3

Boss: "Ooohh!...It's National Breastfeeding Month!"
-8/5

"Oh shit! I forgot to read the Bible yesterday!"
-8/24

Boss, on inventing a fake obituary for himself: "Wouldn't that be great? Racist, hateful...a little dirty..."
-8/27

July 2009

A: "We're talking about poop."
B: "Rape protection!"
-7/2

"Wait, are you talking about Republicanism or hate?"
-7/2

"I like Nick Nolte...I like the Irish...and I like prostitutes."
-7/2

"She looks Jewish, meaning not gay."
-7/8

"I don't know. Lesbians aren't into singing pretty."
-7/8

"Well, yeah. They are complete douchebags, but when has that stopped you from liking someone?"
-7/8

"Stop with your fucking white reggae, please!"
-7/8

A: "Let's groom him this weekend."
B: "Groom him?! Are we gonna drug him?!"
A: "Yeah."
-7/10

Boss: "Wanna see a dog with a fork in its head?"
-7/13

"Fair enough. I don't mind being bad cop to Betty White."
-7/16

An AIM chat transcript:
A: what advice did you give him?
B: where to get drugs, how to bribe cops, how to avoid crime, you know, the usual
B: oh, and where to find a lovely brunch
-7/16

A: "Have you ever eaten a salad?"
B: "I have. It's not for me."
-7/16

"You know what our favorite thing to do is? Get a little too drunk and watch the dog show."
-7/18

"It'll be like the best day ever. I'll get to dance, drink Squirt and recycle."
-7/20

Boss: "Would you pay 200 bucks to pet a whale?"
-7/21

Boss: "Wait, did my uncle die?"
-7/21

Boss: "I'm going to drink this weekend with a man from the Homeland Security Department."
-7/24

Spoken aloud while typing into Google search bar:
"Human birth...pooped on..."
-7/24

Boss: "I listen to Lily Allen, Avril Lavigne and Taylor Swift almost every day."
-7/30

June 2009

"They're so much better than Cheetos -- they're, like, the thinking man's Cheetos."
-6/1

"All you people with your rapes!"
-6/11

"Well, not all cats are murderers!"
-6/11

"It's only ass-kissing if you think someone is above you."
-6/11

"You know what? All my exes live in Texas!...I'm a country song like you wouldn't believe."
-6/11

Re. a biracial friend:
"That's the thing, I've got twice as much racism I can spew on her."
-6/12

"It's scientifically freakin' me out!"
-6/16

An AIM chat excerpt, re. a dog recovering from illness:
A: he's great
B: yay!
A: as good as new
A: but half as bitey
-6/16

A: "I was thinking of you yesterday."

B: "Why?"

A: "Because the number-one astronomer is a black dude!"

-6/18

"Honestly, I have never had a good pickle in a deli."

-6/19

A: "You think skunky is sexy?"

B: "Can be. Can be."

-6/20

"A lot of cartoon nudity goin' on there!"
-6/23

"Does your mother know you're eating out of vending machines?"
-6/24

Boss: "I'm stealing a slice of somebody's pepperoni. Screw you."

-6/25

Mother: "Can you give me a kiss on the cheek?"

Twentysomething daughter: "No, you're being weird."'

Mother: "Please?"

Twentysomething daughter: "Fine."

Mother: "Your skin looks good."

-6/30